Death - A really morbid post

You know... I've always felt ashamed to still be living. While people embrace their life, I detest mine. While people find ways to better their lives, I find ways to torture myself more. While people find time to rest and have fun, I find time to load myself with more work and stress. While people mourn over the deaths of their loved ones, I mourn over the fact that I'm still here. And it's sad, because I don't feel happy being alive at all sometimes.

And no, I'm not depressed. I just don't feel that urge to live. I don't feel life in me. And I only live because there's so much more for me to fulfill. I only live because there are people in my life who relies on me. I only live because I have dreams so high it's impossible not to fulfill. I only live because if I leave, there'll be at least a few people who's going to be sad.

And I don't want anyone to be sad because of me.

I read a lot of blogs - shallow and materialistic ones, deep and meaningful ones, sad ones, blogs with strong individuals, blogs that are always talking about how depressed they are... You name it, I've read it. I read the blog of this mother of a young cancer patient and I'm impressed with how strong they both are and how much they both embrace life... And of course, that makes me feel bad about myself.

But the point is... I am not depressed. I'm hardly really sad about something. The feelings are more like disappointment or dejection. It's hardly really sadness. I don't feel pity for myself. I don't feel anything at all sometimes.

I just feel like maybe I'm undeserving of this life I'm given - Because well, I've thought of the possible methods to die, dreamt about the ideal age to die, fantasized over the moment I should die.

Haha.

I am such a morbid person sometimes - but life's been really ugly and sometimes I feel like no amount of rainbows are going to brighten up my life and really, the easiest way to get out of all these is undeniably death, is it not?

Toodles.