Fear of happiness

I think I have this unhealthy and irrational fear of happiness. It puts me in a permanent state of unhappiness. I feel strangely attracted and comforted by this sense of unhappiness. It puts me at ease because I know nothing will go much further than this... Nothing will make me more unhappy because unhappiness is the last stage of the happiness cycle. You can only be this unhappy and it'll be constant and even if it falls even lower, you'd be used to sadness anyway. That way, you never get hurt (too badly).

I know it's not a healthy feeling. It's not one that I'd like to feel everyday either. But it's an attractive feeling. It's a feeling that envelopes me in peace and ease. With unhappiness, I am not scared of losing. 'Cause even if I lose something, I won't be too upset. I've lost already anyway... Why would I ever be upset about losing just one more thing? See. That way, I am hardly ever hurt.

But it's a warped way of thinking... I know. And I long and I crave for some sense of happiness to be instilled in me.

I wish for happiness to instill more faith in me so that I'd trust it a little more and not feel like it's going to hurt me any second now.

I wish for unhappiness to permanently uninstall itself from my system and for happiness, faith and hope to be permanently uninstalled. I wish for happiness to never be infected with any virus or whatsoever so that it can permanently be called happiness and not be stained with any other evil forces.

Haha.

Toodles.