Satisfaction

I read my archives whenever I have nothing better to do. I cringe whenever I read them. My depression and lack of satisfaction was scary. But I suppose it's no difference now. I still feel depressed often... And I still lack satisfaction.

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A friend asked me the other day "What is good life?". I gave her the most typical answer ever. "Having a warm family, a successful career and being able to holiday around" Well, something like that anyway. But as I replied her with that, my mind started racing. If that was my definition of a good life, I would never have one...

Why?

Because what's the definition of a warm family? One that's supportive? One that supports you with money? One that loves you with every beat of their hearts? What is it?

And what is a successful career? Being at the top of the corporate ladder? Trampling on everyone else? What is being successful?

Finally, what is being able to holiday around? How often would I like to holiday around? What countries would I go to? Why would I want to holiday around when I could probably spend more time being loved by my family and trampling people down my corporate ladder?

It just didn't make sense... It didn't make sense because I realize I'll never be satisfied with what I have. I'll probably always want more.

If my family loved me, I'd expect more from them. I'd expect them to provide me with more money, more love, more hugs, more kisses, more warmth. I'd ask for more.

If I was the CEO of a company, I'd want to be the CEO of more companies. I would want to trample more people under my feet. I'd want to be more successful than successful. I'd always want to be better.

If I was always holidaying around, I would just want to explore every single country I could, shop in every single possible place, visit all the villages in the world. But that's virtually impossible isn't it? I'd just always ask for more.

And this is because...

I've never felt satisfaction in my entire life before. I've never felt pleased with myself about something... To be truthful, I don't think I've ever felt true happiness before. Because being satisfied is being happy. And I've never reached that stage of my life before.

And to have a good life, I suppose I'll have to learn how to be satisfied.

I'll have to learn to be satisfied with what I have and what I can achieve. I should not try to over achieve...

But it kinda contradicts whatever I have learnt in life so far. To always strive for the best. But I realize... If you're always trying to be more perfect, then when will you learn how to be happy? When will you learn how to be satisfied with who you are and what you've done?

Toodles.