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Anyway, I don't know. I feel like since this is my blog, I should be allowed to blog out all my frustrations right? So people who call me angsty can stop doing it once and for all?
Okay. Let's start.
I am only this sad and exhausted with life all the time because I have to worry about money constantly. Every single fucking day, as soon as I wake up... I check websites for jobs and tuition opportunities. Almost everyday, I'd send out a job application letter. And mind you, I honestly don't care for working.
I have to because my family is in a terrible shape right now. And if I don't earn my own keep, this family will eventually collapse. It kills me to have to abandon every bit of my spoilt character to go out and serve other people in the industry. But what can I do? Bite my tongue and continue working.
I've had to abandon several dreams for this family already and subconsciously, it's really really killing me. I love this family, too much maybe.
I don't pity myself anymore but just imagine having all these happen to you when you were only 13-14. And then all these shit carried on all the way till present. And it's not about to go away. So tell me, how do you be happy this way? How do you not feel jaded about life? I know I haven't done anything that's terribly heinous so far, so why do I deserve this?
How would you feel if all the items that you want eventually go out of stock not because you are slow but rather because you don't have the ability to purchase them? I am only 19. I want to be materialistic too. I want to be able to buy everything I want without having to worry about debts and such. Why can't I do so?
I am tired. Really, I am. But what can I do except to accept reality and continue trudging through this mess?
I can only thank the people who's been around for being here. I love you guys.
I am thankful that because of this ordeal, I am able to tell what's true from what's fake. I am also thankful because I know that if I can trudge through this mess, nothing in life is going to scare me anymore.
I am going to personally, scare the living hell out of those people who's let me and my family down in this lifetime. I am going to give them hell for having to give my family so many years of pain. How would you feel if the furthest country your own brother has ever went to is Genting because you or your parents didn't have the ability to bring him out anywhere else?
Thank you, you heartless losers. Because you've taught me how to be stronger and more ruthless in life. I will bring my brother to MANY other countries some day with my own ability and my own strength. Watch me.
Toodles.
1 comment:
I probably say this all the time, but, I totally understand how you feel. Recently I've been feeling so depressed and so many people were telling me to just get over it or to realize other people have problems. I *know* other people have problems but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel too, right?
I also have to work because my mom has been having trouble lately keeping up with the bills, especially because she's been helping her siblings out. I don't mind helping her because after all, I live at the house and drink the water, eat the food, etc... but my job only schedules me about once a month. :\ I've been looking for a new job but in this economy, it's been rough. I also need a job that will accommodate my study/family schedule. Sigh.
I know that everything you're going through is super hard and sometimes people don't understand why you're feeling down or want to complain but you're doing such a good thing by helping your family. Honestly, I don't know many people in real life or on the internet who would work so hard in order to prevent burdening their families. You are an amazing person. <3
Even though you're working so hard, don't forget to make yourself happy once in awhile. You have to remember that you're just as important and worthwhile as anyone else, so sometimes it would be okay to put yourself first for a change. Your bf would definitely agree with me. :D
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