Emotional Absurdity

http://roaminglegs.blogspot.com

2011-04-29T06:02:00.004+08:00

Hi everybody,

I know it's been an incredibly long time. Many times, I've wanted to write here only to feel all self-conscious. The fact is I can't blog here anymore. There are too much memories here. I feel suffocated by everything I've ever written here and I think it's just about time for things to change and for me to move on.

And so with that, I announce the closure of Emotional Absurdity.

With effect from today, I will be officially moving to

HTTP://ROAMINGLEGS.BLOGSPOT.COM

to blog there instead.

Perhaps the fresh slate will be the key to changing my life around. I've been a wreck lately. I am getting out of this wreck before I drive myself crazy.

So I will still be keeping EmotionalAbsurdity around for awhile. But I will cease all blogging activities here and this blog will be indefinitely shut down after the 10th of May 2011.

Toodles! (For the last time!)

See you guys at Roaming Legs!

Warped Notion of Love

2011-02-27T19:59:00.000+08:00

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. And it's beginning to scare me just how warped people's notions of love is.

What I've gotten out of about 10 blogs and 90384034 Facebook/Twitter posts I've read lately are:

1) Fuck. Where's my boyfriend/girlfriend. He/She needs to be here with me NOW. RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
2) My boyfriend/girlfriend cannot have female/male friends.
3) I control my boyfriend/girlfriend's facebook account. HE/SHE MUST NOT HAVE ANY FRIENDS FROM DIFFERENT SEX. NO!!!!!!
4) You better reply my message in the next 5 seconds or I will fucking rip you apart.
5) You have to be be my side like EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE. I DON'T CARE!!!

My goodness. I am always tempted to tell these people to chill and that their boyfriends/girlfriends DO NOT FREAKING BELONG TO THEM. ~~(But I am too nice for that. Ahem. No lah, actually because I just don't want to seem KPO)~~

But I've been seeing so many cases of these lately that I feel like I really just need to voice it out.

Come on people.

They are just your boyfriend/girlfriend. They are not your items. They are not things/people that you've purchased. They do not have to report to you every single second. They are not your possessions!

And have some confidence and self esteem please. Have some self-worth too please. Do you really think that 5 minutes or 5 seconds will make a difference to your relationship if your partner really decides to leave you? And do you really think that keeping him/her by your side every single minute and second will change things if he/she really didn't like you that much? Do you really think that by begging him/her to stay with you, things will be different and your relationship will be what you want it to be?

No.

The truth is... You can't force things to happen. You can't will things to happen. If they are not supposed to happen or if things are already at the point where it cannot be salvaged, then there's no point doing anything at all.

There's no point whining.

There's no point crying.

There's no point wishing.

There's no point trying to possess.

It's just pointless. If things are not meant to be, it won't be. Simple as that.

Have some self-worth. Don't do things just because you feel like this could possibly salvage your relationship. It doesn't. In fact, you are only being taken advantage of and being viewed as cheap.

Anyway, in summary: What I'm trying to say here is Love is more than possession. Love is understanding, love is giving and taking, love is compromising, love is caring, love is warmth, love is giving people warmth, love is giving that last morsel of your favorite food to him/her, love is being selfish, love is also not being selfish. Love is a huge contradiction. But I know for sure that love does not equate to possession.

I know for sure that love is not wanting someone. It is not needing someone. It is wanting and needing someone special to be the happiest person they can ever be.

Toodles.!

The truth

2011-02-23T02:21:00.003+08:00

The truth is... I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to approach people. I don't know how to not be passive. I don't know how to not be shy. Even to people I am extremely close to.

I know I seem like the complete opposite to many people out there. I know I'm sometimes even the one who initiates outing. I know once I see you, I am nothing like I describe myself to be.

But it's true. I am an introvert through and through. I don't like to interact with people. I don't like to have to talk. I don't like to be active. I don't like to have to make the first move to talk to people unless it is absolutely necessary for me to do so. I like to stay in my little comfort bubble.

I guess this is also the reason behind my losing (or close to losing) of some of the most treasured friendships I have in my life.

I honestly, honestly miss a few people in my life right now. I really really miss them. But I honestly, honestly don't know how to approach them anymore. I can only see their names flash past me on Twitter, Facebook, my phone, Blogger, Tumblr and wish I had the guts to talk to them.

Cuz once I start, I would have broken that barrier.

It sucks. It sucks big time.

I want to break out of it. But it's so hard. It's so difficult.

And I need to breathe. And I'm tired.

Toodles.

Torn

2011-02-19T07:45:00.001+08:00

There are about a million and one thoughts flying through my mind right now. 99% of those thoughts are very much relevant to how I've officially unofficially graduated from Temasek Polytechnic.

So, I am feeling more than a little lost right now. I don't know where to go from here. I have a lot of plans for my future. A lot is an understatement. I am torn between working, studying and expanding Thursday Tales. While it seems like the 3 are un-conflicting events, it is going to be a huge challenge if I try to balance all 3. I am not confident of doing it. I like doing things to perfection. And I am not confident of doing everything at one go because doing too much only hinders perfection.

I really want to do all 3. I know I have to continue studying because I actually like studying as long as my studies are relevant to my future and as long as they are practical courses that are not too theoretical.

I really want to work in an advertising agency or anything marketing related because it has my dream to do that - I also really want to gather some form of experience so that I always have that back up plan.

And Thursday Tales is my dream. It is that one thing that has kept me going and sane throughout the past year of exhaustion from projects. I really want to develop my dream and I want it to take off well especially with all the awesome support I've gotten from my friends and family members.

So I am back to being torn. I could probably take this step by step but I really don't feel like time is my best friend these days.

And if anything, I wish more than ever that things proceed faster and not slowly.

Toodles.

The closure of a chapter

2011-02-17T03:20:00.007+08:00

So...

Life in Temasek Polytechnic has finally ended for me. The past 3 years were incredible. I cried, I laughed, I had lots of fun, I had my fair share of anger, lots and lots of sleep lost and losing my general health. And now, it has finally ended.

Marketing Overseas Study Trip 2009 - Taiwan Dlink

Marketing Overseas Study Trip 2009 - Taiwan Shinyeh Table

I think one of the most impacting events that happened throughout my entire life in Temasek Polytechnic was joining the Marketing Family. Although I've never gelled quite in, I really like how well each and every marketer is able to interact with each other. Being in Marketing is really like being introduced into a large family. Most of us know each other, if not by name, at least by face. And it's nice that you know you're in the right class when your class is forever filled with laughters and joy.

2M01 2009 - Project Overnighting

2M01 2009 - Creative Campaign Project Advertisement Shooting - This was my favorite project group ever.

2M01 - The 2 girls that kept me sane in 2009.

3M05 2010 - Strategic Marketing Presentation

3M05 2011 - Final Presentation, Entrepreneurship

3M05 - Global Marketing Project Group - The girls who have both driven me crazy and kept me sane for the past 1 year.

This is the life of a marketer in Temasek Polytechnic. Dry humor, real humor, tears, laughters, happiness, joy, excitement, disappointment, stress, relief, sleepless nights, sleepy days. These are the feelings a marketer will inevitably feel when he/she steps into the marketing path in Temasek Polytechnic.

And I really am pretty glad I entered this large family, 'cause without them, I would never have been able to find myself. I would also have never been able to excel and grow the way a marketer is trained to.

So, I've finally came to the end of this journey. The closure of this life-altering chapter. Now, we will move on to a new chapter in your life and my life alike.

Toodles.

Unrealistic Expectations from an Idealist

2011-02-16T00:31:00.003+08:00

I sometimes refer myself as an idealist. As much as I like being a realist, being an idealist gives you so much more hope. You get to think more, you get to imagine, you get to hope. Being a hardcore realist doesn't really give you that much opportunity to hope. People expect you to get real all the time.

And so, during this (belated) valentine's day, I present to you a list of unrealistic expectations I have for my boyfriend from this girlfriend who has decided she wants to be idealistic for the occasion:

1. For you to surprise me with just one stalk of rose. As much as I don't believe in flowers, I'd like to be surprised. We don't believe in flowers, we don't do flowers. But I just wonder if it's possible for us to be different for once.

2. For you to to just slip your arms around my (almost non-existent now) waist and refuse to let me go. I need to feel needed.

3. For us to travel to more and more countries in the future.

And probably a whole lot more that the realist in me does not allow me to fantasize about.

Some days, I feel like I have this constant battle going on in my heart. A battle between the realist and the idealist. I know there are a lot of things that I cannot prevent and cannot help. It, however, does not deter me from constantly fretting and worrying about it. It also does not stop me from hoping that what I can do might help. This is that battle between the realist and the idealist in me.

And until that battle stops, I guess I will never stop blogging here.

Toodles!

Lost.

2011-02-10T01:22:00.002+08:00

It's been what? A month since I last blogged? Wow. Time has its way of passing too damn quickly. I am graduating in a few month's time. School will also be finishing for me by the end of next week. I am not feeling sad or nostalgic at all.

It's more like a wash of relief since the past 1 year has been pretty much hellish for me. I feel like the only semester that really captured me was really semester 2.1. I worked with people I liked and people I genuinely could work with. Too bad in the end it didn't really work out.

But yes, the end of school. Finally. I am glad.

But scared.

This was always the moment I was afraid of. I don't know where to go next.

I would love to continue studying but I really don't want to end up becoming a money slave right after my graduation. I want to have the leisure to travel around, to do the things I like and to just have fun before I launch into the stage of becoming a money slave...

Every Singaporean will eventually become a money slave.

I just... You know... I just want to slow down that process a little.

But the world is so judgmental. If I don't go into the university immediately... God knows what kind of rumors will be shared behind my back. But it's not the rumors I am ultimately afraid of... I am just afraid of myself.

Because I realize I really really don't know where to go next. It's confusing and tiring.

Toodles.

Breaking Free

2011-01-14T01:01:00.002+08:00

It's been another long while since I last came in here. I've been busy with just about everything and anything. In another 3 week's time, I would have unofficially graduated from the school I've been in for the past 3 years. It's a highly confusing feeling.

On one hand, I cannot wait but to break myself free from the crazy project schedules and the forever high-strung emotions. On the other hand, however, I am extremely extremely afraid of leaving the school. Leaving Temasek Polytechnic means leaving my comfort zone. Leaving the school means I will either have to launch myself in another school or into the real working world. I have not made up my mind yet.

I'm perpetually confused these days and I really don't like this feeling of confusion.

Sigh. A less emotional post next I hope.

Toodles.

2011 New Year Resolutions

2011-01-03T03:07:00.002+08:00

I wanted to do up this post way earlier but I got carried away doing a lot of other things throughout the past 2 days of the new year. I also spent barely 10 hours at home for the past 48 hours. It's been tiring but I just know everything is going to pay off.

Anyway, New year resolutions! This year, I shall make resolutions that I know are attainable. A short list of 10 should suffice.

1) On top of my list is to really make sure Thursday Tales takes off perfectly. It's been my heart and soul for the past few months and it's been ripping every bit of my emotions away from me. So yes, in 2011, Thursday Tales will take off and become sensational. Hahaha.

2) Next in line is to graduate with reasonable results. Right now, my GPA is neither here nor there. So my goal is to improve my GPA to above 3.5.

3) Maintain my relationship with the boyfriend and stop throwing stupid tantrums at him.

4) Spend more time with my best friends. I really really really miss each and everyone of them. Especially Nisa cuz I haven't seen her or spoke to her properly for the longest time.

5) Improve my health cuz I really really really need to be healthier now that I will be doing a lot more things. I cannot afford to puke my guts out or sleep my life away anymore.

6) Improve my temper management skills and manage my stress properly.

7) Maintain friendships.

8) Go to Bangkok and somewhere in China. Also go back to Phi Phi.

9) Have at least 3k in my bank a/c by the end of the year.

10) Fulfill at least 7 out of 10 of my resolutions.

Toodles!

2010 (Photo Post)

2010-12-31T01:18:00.008+08:00

Since the other post was so wordy, I figured I needed some photos to end 2010 off. 2010 was really a year of firsts.

Spent my first time at a real theme park with the boyfriend in Singapore during my birthday. Also, clubbed for the first time ever on my birthday. It was really, really fun. My entire birthday celebration, that is.

Genting 2010 with the boyfriend. This was our first time going overseas together.

4E outing with the boyfriend & the bestfriend. Well, this definitely wasn't a first.

4C bbq with the crazy folks. (: Haha. Neither is this.

Boyfriend's Birthday 2010. Nor this.

Siew Ling's Birthday 2010. But spent Siew Ling's birthday with her for the first time I think?

Phuket 2010. Went to Phuket for the first time ever in my life.

Phi Phi 2010. Went to Phi Phi for the first time in my life and fell in love with the place, hard. I really really need to go back there sometime very very soon.

Also, spent Xmas with the boyfriend for the first time ever in my life. Believe it or not, we've NEVER (i repeat NEVER) spent xmas or xmas eve together in 5 years prior to this. Speaking of which, this year's christmas is something I definitely have to blog about. Hahahah. It was an extremely interesting one.

Other firsts in 2010:

- Setting up a business for the first time

- Working in the IT show for the first time

- Doing projects into wee hours and staying over at people's house to do work for the first time

- Getting quite a GPA for the first time

And I think there were probably a million more firsts that I cannot think about as of now.

I liked 2010. In general, I guess. But I am glad 2011 is coming because I have so much ambition and plans for 2011. I am already pretty sure that 2011 will be one hellauva ride. So watch and see people, 2010 was mundane at best. 2011 will be amazing.

So here's wishing you & me an extremely awesome 2011.

Till 2011!

Toodles!

2010

2010-12-31T00:57:00.002+08:00

2010 is ending in about 23 hours time. Haha. So I figured it will be cool to end the year with a wrap as usual. Let's review my resolutions for the year.

1. Visit Bangkok with... A lot of people!

Speaking of which, I think I have promised more than 2 groups of friends to go to bangkok with them during the coming vacation holidays. Hahaha, which means A LOT more saving up to do and lots of fun. ;)

Unfulfilled cuz I went to every other part of Thailand except Bangkok. Hahahahaha. Very funny.

~~2. Go overseas with the boyfriend alone.~~

~~Must be beach resort/themepark. Hahaha. I know. Two extreme ends. But that's us. We either seek solace in peace and tranquility or from the excitement of cheap thrills.~~

Went to Phuket, Phi Phi & Genting with the boyfriend. Hahahaha. (Y). Instead of going to only one country, we ended up coming to a lot more than one. I ought to be absolutely satisfied.

~~3. Go clubbing.~~

DON'T LAUGH! I don't like crowds k. ): Okay la. I promise I will go clubbing in 2010 so people will stop staring at me so disbelievingly. I know I look like clubber so I will go be a clubber and fulfill your wishes k?

Went clubbing for the first time ever during my birthday celebration this year. Hahaha. It was fun, something like what I expected from clubbing but really just not my thing I guess.

4. Try to hang out with boyfriend and his friends more often.

I very shy la, cannot is it? ): Although majority of boyfriend's friends are from Dunman, we were never close what. So now I shy... Not funny k!

Erm this one I also don't know. I went to play Monopoly Deal with the boyfriend and his best friends at one of his best friend's house. so considered half fulfilled???

~~5. Get over my fear of crowds/big groups.~~

In order to fulfill points 3 & 4, I will have to fulfill this first. I will brave through a crowd alone while chanting "I am not going to get molested by big fat indian dudes" 10000000 times to achieve this goal. I think I will succeed if I really don't get molested.

Worked in my first ever IT fair this year. I think I've gotten over my fear of crowds/big groups.

6. Save up my first $5000.

I need to save up at least $5000 in my bank account in order to fulfill my business idea. So must save up my first $5000. Go rob bank also must.

Lol. This one erm. Fail max. Hhahahahahah. I have a combined savings of $2 in both my bank a/c. (Y)

~~7. Continue baking!~~

Must try not to give up this hobby even if it's going to make my right hand as ugly as a ... (insert picture of ugliest hands here) I don't know how does an ugly pair of hands look like la, so use your imagination k?

I think this one got? I baked a cake for best friend's birthday this year and gave her a huge surprise as a result. I also baked some cookies for my friends and family members. (:

~~8. Do more housework.~~

I can't even sweep the floor properly. ;( This year I shall aim to be a feminine housewife so that the boyfriend has the incentive to want to marry me. Hehehe. (And then after we get married, I will laze around on the bed and let him do all the housework. HAHAHAHA. I am such a genius)

This one I think got a bit lah. I pack my own bed and clean up after me and my brother these days since both my parents go off to work.

9. Improve GPA to at least 3.55.

This is a must. No explanations, no nothing. Just pure, raw expectations of myself. If I cannot achieve this, I will... uhm... (insert punishment here) I don't know what to deprive myself of if I cannot achieve this, so I will leave it up to your imaginations as well. You can tell me what you thought of in the comment box.

Hahaha. Major fail this one. FML.

10. Lose 10kg.

Sounds impossible but I am going to do it with sheer determination. Watch me k? I CAN DO IT!!! *stares at guilty looking stomach because she just ate Macdonald's* I CAN DO IT!

Another major fail. More like GAIN 10kg. Ha. Ha. Ha.

~~11. Make new friends.~~

I need to stop being so comfortable with my current social circle and actually make plans to make new friends out of the Dunman zone and the Marketing zone. I will try to go for more camps and make new friends. I am not unfriendly la. In fact I make friends pretty quickly if I want to. It's just that I am pretty shyyy.

I think I made a few new friends this year? But also lost quite a few. Sigh.

12. Get over everything that's bothering me now.

It's a new year. Nothing will bother me this year except my career and my studies.

Fail.

13. Love the Earth.

I am not kidding k. From now on, I will try to use less plastic bag. I will remember to turn off the lights, the fan and the heater. I will buy more environmentally friendly items to use. ^^ Good excuse for shopping. But really, love the earth!!

Super Duper Fail.

I guess I fulfilled at least half of my resolutions which is not so bad afterall? Hahahhahaa.

Toodles.

JB

2010-12-29T03:34:00.001+08:00

Hi Everybody,

I am in Johor Bahru now. Not on a happy holiday trip but rather on a project research trip. Ha. Ha. I am currently doing work and extremely distracted. I want to go back to blogging soon but I am forever distracted by things. I have so much to blog about. Hahahaha. My Christmas, my KL trip, my life lately. So much.

Toodles.

Virtually Limitless (Cryptic Post, Haha)

2010-12-23T04:06:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when I look back in life, I get a little taken aback. It's funny how we never realize that we are virtually limitless. You always feel like you've reached your end, reached your maximum. You always feel like this will be the end and you will probably die after that. But no, often, life offers us so much more.

I wouldn't say I've exactly went through a lot. But I guess by normal Singaporean teen/youth standard, I suppose I've been through quite a bit. I am surprised I got through all of that angst, that betrayal, that mental anguish... I am pretty surprised by how much I've managed to get over. And this is how you realize your mind and body are virtually limitless. Whatever limits you set for yourself in the past, you'll probably override those somewhere near the future.

By that, I mean to say that there's never really a problem you cannot solve... Or a rut you cannot get out of... Or anything at all, actually. Life has a way of sorting things out by itself even if it means making you lose everything you once had/owned.

But you lose some, you gain some too. I've lost a lot in life. But what I've gained is wisdom, knowledge, love and a family more complete than ever.

Toodles.

Death.

2010-12-17T00:48:00.002+08:00

I find death a really interesting topic to broach. Today, we shall talk about how people try all means and ways to avoid death.

I find it both funny and sad that people try to avoid death so diligently. Each day, I see more and more articles about how people should avoid eating this and that, doing this and that just to avoid death. The fact is no matter how we all try so hard to avoid death, you will never be able to avoid it. You'll only probably be able to avoid it for another few years and you'll still die eventually. We all have to face death, whether or not you like it.

One could be diligently avoiding early death by eating vegetables daily or just eating really really healthy food. But what happens when you choke on those healthy food one day? What happens when you just die anyway?

One could be diligently avoiding early death by never stepping out of his/her house so that he/she will never die via a traffic accident. But what if, what if an earthquake happens and claims your life anyway?

One could be diligently avoiding death by doing all the right things. Not smoking, not drinking, eating healthy... But what if, what if one day you are diagnosed with an incurable cancer/ terminal disease anyway?

The truth is... No matter how hard we try to prevent it or how hard we try to avoid dying early, it will never happen. What has to come will always come. We can never avoid things like that.

So why not we just do whatever we like, enjoy life to its fullest and fulfill each and every of your dream? Why not make life fulfilling rather than stay and be a slave to life and death?

Toodles.

World's Greatest Boyfriend

2010-12-16T02:47:00.006+08:00

Since I cannot get to sleep, I shall write!

I've been enduring a lot of shit from my body lately - Nose Bleeds, Flu, Coughs, Puke Fests, Stomachaches, Gastric. You name it, I think I've got it. It's absolutely driving me crazy. I just wish it was less crazy, less irritating and less whatever, you catch my drift.

I am thankful for the one special person who's been taking care of me though.

We took this photo in Phi Phi - The post I never got to doing.

This was a beach in the vicinity that I cannot for the life of me, remember the name of. All I can remember is the arduous journey we endured to get to this beach. His arduous journey actually. He had to drag me through the ocean by piggybacking me 'cause I have no bloody idea how to swim. He also had to babysit me through the entire journey 'cause I not only don't know how to swim, I am also bloody clumsy. I ended the journey with quite a few scraps on my feet that is now thankfully healed.

On our snorkeling trip also over at Phi Phi, he also had to endure my clinging on to him and refusing to him/the boat cuz I was so scared I would drown. Not knowing how to swim and delving into deep ocean water is probably not the best idea and not something I would do again in the near future.

In our Phuket trip, he also painstakingly took care of me through my food poisoning period - doing anything and everything he could that would make me feel slightly better.

Right now in our working/career carving/school lives, he's also been taking really good care of me. He's been a major major major support in my life. Without him, I would have never thought of starting up Thursday Tales. Without him, I would have given up a month ago. Without him, I would be even more sick than I am right now. But because I have him in my life, my life's been that much more amazing and fulfilling.

Thank You Teo Gui Jie. And yes, you shall receive the Best Boyfriend Award.

I love you my dearest World's Greatest Boyfriend. (: Thank you for being here for me. ♥

Toodles.

Too Reserved

2010-12-13T00:04:00.004+08:00

Certain Days, I find myself to be too damn reserved. I mean if you think I am bitchy, you should really hear my inner thoughts. They are fucking bitchy. Sometimes when I hear the things my inner thoughts say, I feel like I probably have split personality since the things they say are pretty crazy sometimes.

Everyday, every bloody day, I listen to my inner thoughts bitch like crazy. A typical day of bitching with my inner thoughts go like this:

Scenario 1:

*Vilvian sees a skinny girl*

Inner Thoughts: OMFG. IS THAT GIRL FOR REAL? Does she eat at all?!?!?! I think I donate her 50% of my fats, she'll still fly like super far if a huge rain comes!

Scenario 2:

*Vilvian gets annoyed by someone*

Vilvian: I really cannot be bothered with your nonsense. *walks away*

Inner Thoughts: Oh my god. Oh my god. Fuck that Bitch please. Who the fuck does she think she is. Why the fuck does she think she can mess around with me. Don't ever fucking let her step on my tail again. The next time, I promise you I am going to throw her down from level 10,000.

Scenario 3:

*A friend says something really really irritating to Vilvian*

Vilvian: Ha. Ha. Very funny. *Turns away*

Inner Thoughts: Stupid Bitch/Asshole. You think you very very clever is it. Then go do whatever it is you think you very good at doing lah. Why you here! WHY WHY WHY! Grr. WHY! Go a fucking way. I don't need you. :@

Hahahahaha. I think I am subconsciously an ah lian, a chao ah lian! 75% of the things my inner thoughts say prove that I have to be an Ah lian! But okay, I have to clarify. The name of this post is "Too reserved". And it is only named that way because I am too reserved and politically correct to say the things I want to say.

And if I get to say the things I want to say, I'd probably:

1) Have no friends at all now.

2) Be beaten to death.

So I guess being reserved is not entirely a bad thing although I do hope that my brain will appreciate the ingenuity of my inner thoughts sometimes! I am actually quite clever subconsciously! Whenever people ask me questions, I normally have the answer for those questions but because I am pretty reserved and because my brain does not trust my inner thoughts enough, I normally don't answer them!

Which is sad because they think I am stupid. I am not. ):

Oh well. There's not really a point to this entry. I was just bored and tired.

PS: This post was initially supposed to be a 2010 reflection post. Look at how flippant it has become!

Toodles!

IWP

2010-12-09T02:21:00.002+08:00

What is an IWP?

An IWP is better known as an Irritating Whiny Person. He/She whines constantly about a single issue and refuses to resolve said issue even when provided with answers.

An Example of IWP:

A: I am so fat. ):

B: Go exercise.

A: I can't.

B: Why not?

A: Because I am fat and lazy.

B: Have some faith in yourself. Just go do it.

A: But I am fat!!! ))):

Another Example of IWP:

A: I have no money. ):

B: Go find a job.

A: I don't want to work.

B: Then how do you expect to get money?

A: I don't know. I don't want to work! I want money!!! ):

1 More Example of IWP:

A: I am hungry!!!! D:

B: Go eat something.

A: There's nothing to eat!

B: Go and buy, call for delivery or something.

A: I am too hungry to do anything! ):

How to Identify an IWP:

1) He/She is constantly whining about how fat she is/ how ugly she is etc etc etc.

2) He/She is constantly eating ALOT despite telling you how fat he/she is.

3) He/She hides behind an exterior called low self-esteem.

4) He/She refuses to listen to any of your answers/solutions to his/her problems.

5) He/She goes around finding more people to complain and whine his/her life away.

What do you do when you see an IWP:

1) RUN, run as fast as possible.

2) Avoid said person unless you are willing to have your eardrums rot away thanks to excessive whining.

3) Ignore said person.

4) Tell said person what he/she is and ask them to snap out of it.

5) If all else fails, RUN! As fast as possible!!

Disclaimer: No IWPs were hurt in the process of writing this entry.

Toodles!

Phuket with Boyfriend Day 4

2010-12-06T00:13:00.002+08:00

It's been another long while. I got lazyyy.

Anyway! Day 4 was a very lazy day for us as well! We spent a good half of our day lazing at the beach, laughing, talking and feeling the waves wash upon our bodies (and my wound). Not the most pleasurable experience since my wound was throbbing. No pictures for our beach escapade since we were having too much fun sipping coconut juice and splashing seawater on each other.

After that, we went back to the guest house for a break before we went to JungCeylon Shopping Center which is located in Patong Beach. Cost us a bomb to go back and forth Patong and Kata since they were fairly far apart from another.

When we reached JungCeylon, we manage to just make it in time for the Water Fountain Show!

Not the best photo but you have to pardon me since I was still feeling bad aches stemming from my stomach that fateful night.

...

We then proceeded to walk around and look what we found! A Seashell Museum!

This is one of the world's most valuable sea shell. I really cannot what's the name of the shell but I remember it being worth millions of bahts. (which is still quite a considerable sum)

Many many more pictures but I am only going to upload these few. Let me know if you're interested in seeing more!

...

After spending what seems like hours in the seashell museum, we decided we needed some food!

Wine Connection @ Phuket was one of the restaurants with the best food we tasted throughout our entire stay in Phuket. Do go to JungCeylon to try it out if you happen to be there. (VERY affordable as well!)

Toodles!

Phuket with Boyfriend (Day 2&3) Part 2

2010-11-28T01:38:00.003+08:00

Decided to do up this post as well since it's a pretty short post and I don't think I'll have the time to blog tomorrow...

More of market goodness

Tribal necklaces. Lots and lots of them.

SOON AFTER IT WAS DINNER. And I tell you I had one of the most bittersweet dinners in my entire life EVER.

I call it bittersweet cuz here, I had the freshest and most awesome tasting oysters I've ever tasted - provided with the perfect sauces and toppings to make it taste simply like heaven.

BUT...

THESE INNOCENT-LOOKING SEAFOOD

That honestly caused us less than a fraction of what we would have been made to pay in Singapore...

Was the very cause of the terrible food poisoning case I had in Phuket.

I remember feeling okay and still walking around with the boyfriend for hours after we had this meal. However, the next morning... Which was on Day 3, I was suddenly struck by this terrible stomachache that I thought to be my gastric fooling around. After our breakfast at this expensive restaurant called two-chefs though, I was struck by a stomachache about 20x worst than the one I had early morning.

So the stomachache came in spasms and it just coming over and over again. By night time, I was a mess of pain. I was rolling around in bed, crying in pain and scolding all sorts of vulgarities. I've never experienced childbirth before, but I'd say I'll rank that kind of pain about 15/10 in my pain radar. And trust me, I have quite a high tolerance level for pain so for me to cry over pain... It has to be quite something.

After about 3 hours of being in extreme pain, the boyfriend decided that was it and wanted to bring me to the doctor's. The kind souls at Karon Sunshine Guest House decided to fetch me over to the next town to a doctor that they probably frequent... On a bike. Which explains my first time being on a bike. It was quite a thrilling experience if not for my ailing stomach.

We didn't get to see the doctor's anyway since it was closed. Went to the pharmacy, got medicine and went back to the guesthouse. Back at the guesthouse, I was about to alight when my leg grazed the exhaust pipe, and that's it! My leg got scalded!

This is the plight of my sad and painful wound right now.

Anyway, after eating the medicine, it just got worst. The pain intensified itself and I basically rolled around bed in pain all night while the boyfriend looked at me helplessly. Barely slept for 2 hours I think - fitful sleep I call it.

And that was the end of my second and third days in Phuket. No pictures for day 3 cuz I was too busy rolling around bed in pain.

Toodles!

Phuket with Boyfriend (Day 2) Part 1

2010-11-27T22:45:00.002+08:00

Because Day 2 was a very long day and 'cause I generally took about a 100 photos that day, I shall split Day 2 into 2 parts.

Hi everyone, these are the best possible banana pancakes on Earth. It was soft, fluffy and full with banana goodness. I love pancakes, and I hardly call any pancakes the best. So this is like the queen/mother of all pancakes. Go try if you're at Phuket.

And noms omelette ordered by boyfriend.

After breakfast, we decided to go to the beach again.

It was such a gorgeous day.

Beautiful sun. I'd call it merciless if I were in Singapore. But in Phuket, everything was beautiful.

Boyfriend and me.

Camwhore #1

Camwhore #2

Paused to snap a photo of this random baby girl who decided to smile for me. :D

:O says the boyfriend

One more of me & the boyfriend

Random lovely photo of Sunlight

And this was the end of part 1 of Day 2. Shall update the blog with part 2 of day 2 tomorrow!

Stay tuned!

Toodles!

Phuket with Boyfriend 2010 (Day 1)

2010-11-27T01:42:00.002+08:00

Hi all, I've finally finally decided to update my blog with the Phuket trip! It has to be one of my most memorable trips of all time. In this trip, I experienced a couple of first times. If I have to list them out, it will be:

1) Going to Phuket for the first time of course.

2) Staying in a guesthouse for the first time ever.

3) Food poisoning for the first time in my entire life.

4) Having the boyfriend take care of me for an entire night.

5) Sitting on a motorcycle for the first time ever.

6) Getting burnt by the exhaust pipe of the motorcycle.

7) Watching a movie in Thailand for the first time.

All's good though. I had a fantastic time with the boyfriend there as usual and we managed to accomplish what we had to. So yes, we did have a lot of fun together despite all the hiccups that happened.

Anyway!! Words aside, let's make some space for some pictures!

We reached Phuket at about 12pm Singapore time so we decided to check into the guest house and leave our stuff there while we explored the town we were in.

My cutest boyfriend on Earth ♥

Our first meal was at this random Thai Food (Fusion) place near the guesthouse. This was spicy soup I guess, not bad.

We then proceeded to walking all around.

And we ended up at the beach.

Karon Beach has the smoothest and softest sand that squeaks when you walk on them. Please stay at Karon beach when you ever go to Phuket.

Lovely Seawater that's not at all like Singapore's dirty and murky one.

Left the beach and went to the market near our Guest House. Food looking nommingly-delicious over there!

Cocktails at barely 4sgd! This is how life should be!!

More nom-melicious food!!!!11

An old lady was holding all that. I was wondering how long would it take for her to fly away. :X

Sunglasses Haven!!

Very funny and adorable ad by the roadside.

Looks like both of them wants to hit my boyfriend! No!!!!!

Beautiful Night.

And I believe that was the end of our first day. It was a beautiful first day at Phuket. So I guess I shall end my first post for Phuket here now.

I hope it enjoyed it!

Toodles!

(PS. Check back tomorrow for Day 2!)

Leap of Faith

2010-11-24T02:42:00.003+08:00

Life of late has been feeling extremely purposeful and less boring. I guess the reason is because there are certain large changes in my life that will be happening extremely soon. I am fearful yet excited at the million of possibilities. And I am extremely glad that I finally, finally took this step after so many years of deliberation.

Many people have asked if I was taking this step a little too early or if I was running instead of walking like I should be. I say, fuck all those rules. How many more baby steps am I allowed to take before I eventually fall off that cliff? I'd rather run towards the cliff and know that I've at least taken that leap of faith. How long more should I wait to fulfill my dreams? How many more 19 years of my life do you think I have left? What if I die tomorrow, next month, a year later? What if because of all the "Isn't it too early?", "Shouldn't you work first?", I wait and eventually am unable to fulfill my dream because I died early?

There are just too many possibilities in life. We never know what happens tomorrow.

So why not... Why not we just take that leap of faith. Because unless you do it, you'll never know. Chances are, if you have callings as strong as I do, it is probably right for you. Chances are you're probably made to do it. But you'll never do it because you're scared.

Because you never dared to take that extra step. Because you could never force yourself to look at what's beneath that cliff.

Because...

You were cowardly.

And here, my friends. I tell you again.

Take the leap of faith and never regret your decision. Because experience is what counts here. At least you tried.

Toodles.

I like to:

2010-11-22T01:25:00.003+08:00

Dream. I dream a lot. I dream far. I dream big. I dream of impossibles.
Sleep. When I sleep, I dream.
Sing. I like to sing like a happy little lark.
Cry. I cry more than the rain falls in Singapore.
Scream. I am deafening when I do.
Eat. Eat my heart out.
Lay in your arms, feel safe.
Do business. Nothing makes me happier than creating a new baby. We currently have 2.
Travel. My mind empties of sorrow and stress when I do.
Hold your hands, feel safe.
Kiss your lips. They are soft like cotton candy.
Write. Writing erases my doubts for myself.

I like to be myself. I am who I am.

Toodles.

2010-11-14T04:24:00.002+08:00

Hi World,

I won't be blogging for awhile again. Not that it makes a difference since I don't blog a lot these days anymore anyway. But I just thought it'd be nice to say. Haha. I will be in Phuket for the next 4 days so I wouldn't be blogging much at all. But, this time round, I hope I really will get to posting about the trip. The last time round my trip to Krabi/Phi Phi was not documented on my blog at all because I was lazy. Maybe I'll update them all at one shot now!

Okay.

Bye bye. My flight is in 3 hours time!

Toodles!!

Maze

2010-11-11T11:31:00.002+08:00

Some days I feel like I am permanently trapped in a maze created by myself. This maze... It's a never-ending one. There's no exits, no reprieve, no breaks. In this maze, there's a million obstacles... There's no time for you to rest. You have to keep walking. As you walk, you fall. But like I've said, there's no time to rest. You just have to pat your knees and continue trudging on. In the end, you find there's no end to anything. And you just have to keep walking... And walking. And there's no reprieve until the day you have no strength in your body to move anymore.

Toodles.

5 random facts

2010-11-10T02:58:00.002+08:00

To counter off that morbid post I just did, I shall do up this random post about weird quirky facts about me that you probably never knew.

1) I like ogling at hot and pretty girls more than I like looking at guys. But that saying, I'm not a lesbian. I'm as straight as ||| and that's pretty damn straight if you'd ask me.

2) I get insomnia almost on a nightly basis. That shouldn't come as a surprise looking at the times I actually get to blogging. BUT I almost always sleep like a baby on hotel beds. I'm weird like that.

3) I'm a hardcore workaholic. IF I do not get to finish an urgent piece of work, I'd forgo food and sleep and everything important just to finish it. If it's not urgent though, I normally would just procrastinate and slack through it.

4) I probably won't do online shopping for awhile now cuz I've been staring at too much clothes lately and it's not doing my sanity well. I feel like I could start puking clothes if I looked at anymore tonight.

5) I think due to my extreme workaholism and my love for my macbook, I've developed a serious case of backaches and I feel like an old lady at 19 years old. It's quite tragic if you asked me. I feel like an 89 year old trapped in a 19 year old most of the time.

Toodles.

Death - A really morbid post

2010-11-10T02:37:00.003+08:00

You know... I've always felt ashamed to still be living. While people embrace their life, I detest mine. While people find ways to better their lives, I find ways to torture myself more. While people find time to rest and have fun, I find time to load myself with more work and stress. While people mourn over the deaths of their loved ones, I mourn over the fact that I'm still here. And it's sad, because I don't feel happy being alive at all sometimes.

And no, I'm not depressed. I just don't feel that urge to live. I don't feel life in me. And I only live because there's so much more for me to fulfill. I only live because there are people in my life who relies on me. I only live because I have dreams so high it's impossible not to fulfill. I only live because if I leave, there'll be at least a few people who's going to be sad.

And I don't want anyone to be sad because of me.

I read a lot of blogs - shallow and materialistic ones, deep and meaningful ones, sad ones, blogs with strong individuals, blogs that are always talking about how depressed they are... You name it, I've read it. I read the blog of this mother of a young cancer patient and I'm impressed with how strong they both are and how much they both embrace life... And of course, that makes me feel bad about myself.

But the point is... I am not depressed. I'm hardly really sad about something. The feelings are more like disappointment or dejection. It's hardly really sadness. I don't feel pity for myself. I don't feel anything at all sometimes.

I just feel like maybe I'm undeserving of this life I'm given - Because well, I've thought of the possible methods to die, dreamt about the ideal age to die, fantasized over the moment I should die.

Haha.

I am such a morbid person sometimes - but life's been really ugly and sometimes I feel like no amount of rainbows are going to brighten up my life and really, the easiest way to get out of all these is undeniably death, is it not?

Toodles.

5 Things that's been occupying my time lately:

2010-10-28T23:51:00.005+08:00

1) Internship @ Singapore International Foundation

I really think this has been one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life so far. I've learned a lot. And trust me when I say a lot. I've learned a lot about marketing, events management, people management skills and just a lot... And I've really grown to love what I'm doing.

2) Initializing plans for my Online Shop

I've been talking about the starting up of this imaginary online shop for the longest time. But right now, it is FINALLY going to be materialized. Sharleen from courted@blogspot will be helping me for my shop as her Final Year Project. Also, a lot of my friends will be supporting me in this venture. So glad to have these people there for me. It is currently scheduled to be launched in December. Exact date to be confirmed. So do look out for that!

3) Online Ventures with the boyfriend

Besides my own online shop, there's also a few ventures that me and the boyfriend are working on together. One of which is the sales of Ocean Packs.

Ocean packs typically looks like this. It is a waterproof bag that you could bring along when you go to the beach, go diving or go to any water-prone areas for that matter. It is a really functional bag since you could go to all these places with your bags taken along with you and the best part about it? You don't have to worry about your things getting wet or stolen.

The boyfriend and I once dragged an ocean pack across one of the seas in Phi Phi. In the bag were items like his camera and phone. None of it got even a little wet. So I guess this is proof of the usefulness of this bag. Do mail me at toxic_illusion@hotmail.com if you are interested in getting such a bag. Prices start at a mere $25!

4) Going out with the boyfriend

I've been spending a lot more time with the boyfriend. Part of the reason is because we're spending a lot of time discussing all these business ventures together. But also, a larger part is because we've grown closer for some reason. But it's a great feeling. I am not complaining.

5) Sleeping

Because internship and online ventures have been taking up the bulk of my time, I spend most of my time alone sleeping. I find it the best therapy on Earth. You don't feel stressed, you don't feel anything at all. At that moment, you're the most peaceful person on Earth.

Toodles.

Fear of happiness

2010-10-12T10:53:00.003+08:00

I think I have this unhealthy and irrational fear of happiness. It puts me in a permanent state of unhappiness. I feel strangely attracted and comforted by this sense of unhappiness. It puts me at ease because I know nothing will go much further than this... Nothing will make me more unhappy because unhappiness is the last stage of the happiness cycle. You can only be this unhappy and it'll be constant and even if it falls even lower, you'd be used to sadness anyway. That way, you never get hurt (too badly).

I know it's not a healthy feeling. It's not one that I'd like to feel everyday either. But it's an attractive feeling. It's a feeling that envelopes me in peace and ease. With unhappiness, I am not scared of losing. 'Cause even if I lose something, I won't be too upset. I've lost already anyway... Why would I ever be upset about losing just one more thing? See. That way, I am hardly ever hurt.

But it's a warped way of thinking... I know. And I long and I crave for some sense of happiness to be instilled in me.

I wish for happiness to instill more faith in me so that I'd trust it a little more and not feel like it's going to hurt me any second now.

I wish for unhappiness to permanently uninstall itself from my system and for happiness, faith and hope to be permanently uninstalled. I wish for happiness to never be infected with any virus or whatsoever so that it can permanently be called happiness and not be stained with any other evil forces.

Haha.

Toodles.

Insecurities

2010-10-09T21:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when I look into the mirror, it feels like I am really looking into a magnifying glass. On certain days, my flaws just seem so much more significant and magnified than normal.

(credits: x)

On such days, a pimple that might normally be the size of only 1/1000 of my face seems almost as if it's 1/12 the size of my face. I mourn over the presence of it and wonder what I've ever done to deserve such a volcano on my face. I ponder over the number of dirt and germs that made their way into that huge volcano and wonder how that might have happened.

(credits: x)

I wonder why they would want to invade my face and form that volcano 'cause the volcano will eventually erupt and then they would die... And that makes no sense to me. So I mourn over their imminent death and over the fact that my face is now invaded by a huge volcano.

(credits: x)

On such days, I look at my tummy and wonder what I've ever eaten to deserve such a chubby tummy. What normally might look a bit cute actually looks disgusting and pregnant to me on such a day. I sit down... I think of what I've eaten. I mourn over that piece of salmon I've eaten, wondering what it might have been doing right before it was sliced into pieces and made into sashimi for me to consume. Could it have been eating another micro-organism before it was being killed?

(credits: x)

Could it have been having sex right before it was being killed? Did the salmon think that it was going to be eaten right before it was being killed? Did it know that it was going to be killed? Did the fish know that it was going to die in the next second? Was it in its instincts to be killed? Did it know that it was going to be killed just to make me fat and give me a tummy? On such days, I mourn over the untimely death of the salmon and I mourn over my disgustingly pregnant-looking tummy.

(credits: x)

On such days, I look at my pathetic looking wallet. It looks less than perfect and it seems like it's always hungry and void of cash. I also always seem to be digging its throat to fish out its food also otherwise known as money. I mourn over the forced bulimia of my wallet and my own lack of money.

On such days, I look at my chinese looking features and think about how it would be nice if my nose could be sharper, my chin could be sharper and how my eyes could be bigger. I think about how nice it would be if my face could actually be pretty without makeup. On such days, I plaster my face with a thick layer of powder - also known as foundation... I crayon the edges of my eyes - also known as eyeliner. And generally, just mistreat my face by disallowing it to breathe. I suffocate my face. On such days, I mourn over the suffocation of my face and just how my flat my facial features seem to be.

On such days, my insecurities get the better of me and I mourn... I keep mourning. I mourn over my imperfections. I mourn, and I mourn and I mourn.

Toodles.

2010-10-09T02:46:00.002+08:00

It's 2.46AM...

I don't know why I'm here instead of sleeping. I don't get myself sometimes either. I think I am pretty weird and eccentric. My fellow interns and friends can testify to this.

Erm. I am currently craving for a seafood buffet. Think alcohol-infused clams and mussels, Scallops seared to perfection, Fresh raw salmon...

Mmhmmm.

No wonder I can't seem to lose weight.

How to lose weight when all that's in my mind is food?

Toodles.

2010-10-07T16:54:00.002+08:00

It's been another long while. I've been severely exhausted - Both physically and emotionally... It's been a while since I had a break, been awhile since I last had any inspiration to write. Whenever I come to any pages that requires me to write, my brain immediately draws a blank.

The event that has left me anxious throughout the past 5 weeks or so has finally came to a satisfying and fulfilling close. I am glad and it feels like I've finally been able to take a large load off my shoulders. Now... There's just 4 more weeks to the end of my internship. After this ends, I will finally be able to take off the 1000kg load off my shoulders and probably take on another 10,000kg load. But that's another story for another day...

-

I am currently sitting in the office, staring at the computer screen... Typing away furiously. I've been reading through my archives. It scares me a little... The way my blog posts are so driven by negativity, the way my writing style becomes more and more depressing by the day. I came to this sudden realization that my life has been so driven by negativity these days that I hardly have anything happy to really speak about.

And I also came to this realization that I haven't been treating myself well at all. I've been neglecting myself and allowing my life to revolve around the people close to me. I've been abandoning myself subconsicously and allowing myself to think otherwise. I've been selfish, not to others... But to myself.

I scare myself with all my emotional thoughts and the high level of negativity and depression I have in me. I am scared that one day all these high-strung (sealed in) emotions will one day throw me off that high cliff I've built for myself. I am scared for myself.

Toodles.

Bubbles

2010-09-25T23:19:00.002+08:00

I always loved playing with bubbles as a kid. I'd blow bubbles in the bathroom, watching intently as they burst and then blowing another one and observing it again until the same thing happens. I never like them when they burst though. The only reason why I observe them is because I secretly hope that bubbles never need to burst. That somehow there will be one bubble that survives and be mine forever.

But of course, there's never such a bubble.

And this theory of bubble applies to life as well.

I mean... Life is really like a bubble isn't it? Some bubbles have a really long life span... They float around until they eventually decide to pop. Some have a really short one... They get popped even before they desire to.

When you translate this theory to life, you get this: Some people get the full life span they are given. They live until they die. Some people get a shorter life span. Things happen to them and they die before they are ready to.

But we all burst whether we like or not.

And then our relationships are like bubbles too. Some have really long life spans. They could float around for as long as our bubble of life exists... But some bursts right before our life bubble does. But no matter how long the lifespan of the bubbles are, they will still burst. This simply means that every single relationship will end.

Whether you like it or not. It WILL end. Either through death or just through pure circumstances.

And this brings us back to the topic of life and relationships. It's not about whether or not you want something to happen or NOT happen. There are just too much things in life that we cannot control. We cannot control the length of it or the things we ARE MADE to go through in life. But what we CAN control is where you want this bubble to float. If you are floating it through a land of fingers where they'd all like to burst you, then you're doomed. But if you float through a length of green, an easy green... Who is there to ever destroy you?

Toodles.

Life Updates

2010-09-25T20:13:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since a proper post. I've missed writing... Not that I haven't got my fair share from writing at work. But it's different when you're blogging... What you write here is what you feel, what you write at work is what you have to...

Work's been good.. Aside from all the mistakes I made and all the exhaustion I've felt through the past few weeks. But it's been good. I feel like I'm being utilized to my fullest potential, and I feel like I'm actually being productive. But that aside, it doesn't change the fact that I'm really counting down to the end of this internship. If anything at all, I've realized through the past 30 days that a desk-bound job is really not for me. There's not a day I don't feel lethargic and not a day I don't wish to go out and run another errand. So it's great that this internship is ending in another 5 weeks or so.

At least I know what I really want in life now. And that's great.

Recently I've been indulging myself in the weirdest musings...

I muse about how I wish I knew why the skies were blue instead of yellow or green or god-forbid, purple. I muse about why we all grow apart no matter how much we try to glue each other together. I muse about how I wish I knew why we needed to grow up. I muse about just about everything in life.

It's just so fascinating that life has so much faces to it.

And yesterday after watching Wall Street with the boyfriend, I realize how relationships were really like bubbles....

I will muse about that when I have a little more time.

Toodles.

Death

2010-09-23T00:21:00.001+08:00

Such a morbid yet imminent topic...

Today I begun thinking about how my death could ever affect anyone at all.

It's quite sad... I don't really think that more than 5 people could ever be sad about my death. I mean why would people be sad over someone who was a slave to money? Why would someone be upset over the girl who was always there but not there? Why would someone be sad over a girl who is just so extremely boring?

I really don't think anyone could miss me. I mean it just doesn't make sense for people to miss someone like me.

If anything, I could even count the people who would be extremely happy just to see me gone from their lives...

Sigh. It's been a long, sad and tiring day.

Goodnight.

Toodles.

Thoughts

2010-09-12T03:03:00.002+08:00

It's 3am. I haven't been blogging as much as I would like to lately. I have ideas, I have thoughts, I have things I'd like to pen. But whenever I get to this page, they always seem to just fade away. What seemed like such a vivid idea just a few seconds ago becomes more and more faint until I feel like I have no more strength to write on anymore. I, sometimes, feel sad for the posts that end up in my drafts. There are just too many of them!

But anyway, I've been ... Busy. Well, sort of. I've been trying to sort out my life. It's been so hectic lately. There's just so much going on. So much planning to do. And my heart's a mess too. Each day it feels a whole new emotion that I feel like it's never felt before... I don't think there's any word in the world in any language that will be able to capture that kind of feeling I feel sometimes.

It's weird, I know I'm weird. Everyone says I am weird. But I believe everyone is weird in their own quirky ways. What seems weird to you might not be weird to someone else and vice versa.

I have some more things I'd like to say....

But I'm afraid my brains are kind of fried at the moment.

I'll say them in a few days I hope.

Till then,

Toodles!

Half a Decade

2010-09-09T10:52:00.002+08:00

Remember when we first confessed to each other? That was on the night of 9th of September, 2005.

We are now 5 years past that.

Remember when we were so shy we didn't dare to kiss each other at first? Remember how we used to have to dare each other into kissing?

We are now 5 years past that phase.

Remember how our first date went? I remember we were watching "The longest yard". You were shivering and your teeth chattered like crazy.

We are now 5 years away from that first date and have went for countless of dates since then.

Remember how I would doodle your name on every sheet of paper I came across? Of course you don't remember. I didn't show you everything.

5 years down the road, I still do.

Remember when we would fantasize about how our future wedding should be like? Remember when we were so sure we were going to get married?

5 years later, I am not as sure as I used to anymore... But I still like imagining what our future wedding ceremony will look like.

---

It's been 5 years since we first confessed to each other. This journey has been difficult. It's been extremely painful at some points in the relationship. There were so many times I wanted to give up. But I am glad I didn't.

I am glad we both held on. I am glad despite all our differences, we still made it through. I am glad my heart still thumps against my rib cage when I see you. I am glad I still get tongue tied when I talk to you at times. I am glad I am still madly in love with you.

I am thankful for your presence, more than words could ever say. When I was sad, you'd say words to comfort me. When I was mad, you'd say things to calm me down.

And what I love most about you is your wit. I love how easy it is for us to wrestle each other one second, and talk about life's madness the next. I love how clever you are. I love your intelligence. I love your ambition. I love your determination.

I am glad I have you, I really am.

We both have our flaws. And I'll admit that I haven't been a great girlfriend at all... But I think we are perfect together. I think we are made for each other.

I ♥ you.

Happy 5th Year Anniversay mon petit ami.

Toodles.

Avoidance.

2010-09-06T01:07:00.003+08:00

You know how sometimes the world around you just seems to crumble down? This was what I was afraid of. I was afraid of being happy. Because when you really start becoming the happy girl you wish you were, you realize there's so much more flaws than you realized. And then everything starts falling and crumbling down all over again.

And the saddest thing of all?

All these sadness you're feeling... It's more often than not, your own doings. You put yourself in all these miseries. Knowing really well that you've all the cures to these pain you're feeling. You have all the antidote to the poisons you seem to love feeding yourself so much. You know you have all these. But yet, you don't use it. You give yourself all the excuses that you could probably come up with for not wanting to cure yourself.

And it's all kinda sad.

That we avoid...

Even ourselves.

Perhaps we really are our own biggest enemies.

But because we're so unwilling to cure ourselves, and yet we are in such great pain, we end up wanting the rest of the world to suffer with us. I mean why should she be happy when I am not right? This is when you start creating conflicts around you. This is when you start making the people around you sad as well.

This is when you start poisoning people as well.

And because you don't want to give yourself that antidote, you wouldn't give anyone else either.

And I guess this is why there are so many sad people in the world.

Because we are all selfish, someway or other.

Toodles.

Singapore's Fucked Up Education System

2010-08-29T15:32:00.004+08:00

I was tutoring today when it finally dawned on me just how sad Singapore's Education system is beginning to be. I mean I've known how terrible it was all my life, but today it struck me the hardest.

I have a tutee named C who's studying in school X. School X is a fairly prestigious school that many parents yearn for their kids to be in.

C is having her PSLE this coming October. She frequently has to stay back in school, skip Physical Education lessons, skip Art lessons and is banned from doing anything that might come in her way of attaining good results in her PSLE. In said case, C is even banned from going jogging after school because she'd be blamed for not going home to just study. Her papers are difficult to the extent that there are times when I can't even solve those questions...

I remember my primary 6 life was kinda like this too. Just not so extreme.

I have another student called J. He's 14 this year but he was telling me that when he was in Primary 6, it was a nightmare because whenever he couldn't score for any of his papers, he'd be badly canned by his mother.

Which brings me to my point on Singapore's Education system... Why is it that grades are so important for the educators in Singapore? I understand everything is calculated by a certain grade but sometimes, we all have to realize that not every child can perform the same way others can. There are children who are just not meant to study. They are meant for other things like art or music or even sports.

If we are constantly taking away their art lessons and so on and so forth... How are we going to identify such children? How is it that even in today's open minded society, we are still so focussed on grades such that parents would cane their children just because they are not performing up to standards? What happens if your child is just not the studying kind? Do they get canned all their lives?

What happens to the minds of such children then? Will they have the right attitude towards their work? Will they feel like they are stupid and should not belong in this society? Or is today's society only meant for children who are clever enough to attain good grades?

C was also telling me that when they go for exams, they tell each other that they will hold a party for the ones who fail. The system is so terrible that students have no confidence of passing their exams at all. Is this what we want for them?

The teachers tell them to not get misled by their tutors and parents who say that the PSLE will be easier than their school's papers. Is that really true? Is the PSLE really going to be that painfully difficult? And if it is, what is the MOE trying to prove? To prove that these children just cannot make it in life? What is it?

Why is there the need to set such a difficult paper to hurt the confidence level of these children?

I don't know. Singapore's Education System has frustrated me beyond words.... Once again I ask, are grades really that important?

Tell me your views.

Toodles.

About life.

2010-08-23T06:07:00.002+08:00

Hi all,

My internship starts in approximately 3 hours. Well, less than that really. It's been a while since my last entry. There's just too much going on in my life lately. I kind of feel too overwhelmed.

Just yesterday, I walked through the streets of Clarke Quay with my best friend on one hand and my boyfriend on my other. It was the most peaceful feeling ever. I haven't experienced such peace since I left secondary school.

And, happy belated birthday Nisa Jabbar. I love you. Hahaha. And I will be here will you every step of the way, I promise. Just give me a call, I'll be there whenever I can.

To all of you out there, I promise I will update this place as soon as I get the time and effort to.

Toodles.

The Liar Game

2010-08-16T04:47:00.003+08:00

I'd continue posting about my trip but I'll do that a few days later or something... I need more photos from the boyfriend anyway.

Today, I talk about lies, about trust, about dishonesty, about deceiving and about being human. You know as much as I'd like to believe that no one is truly bad to the bone, I guess there are people like that. People who are bad to the bone. People who lies, who backstabs, who kills, who murders all for godforsaken reasons. I don't know if I've met people who're bad to the bone. I'd like to believe they are. But they are all people whom I've used to respect, to love and to trust. So I don't know if I want to believe them as people who are bad to the bone...

I've been watching dramas all day... All week in fact. And all these dramas make me realize how horrible this society has become. It made me think back on what I had to go through... But I don't want to go through the entire self pity shit again. For the record, I don't pity myself. I thank god it happened, because now I realize what being human is like. But anyway, I digress.

My point is... It seems to have become a norm. A norm to lie. A norm to deceive. A norm to hurt in order to get what you want. It seems to become accepted that you can be selfish for your own desires. And I guess that's what being human is like. You lie, you deceive, you're selfish, you hurt people for what you want.

Isn't that kinda sad?

I wonder... If there's someone truly pure enough in this world that believes in mankind, human and the world. I wonder if there's such a person who never lies... I wonder if it's possible to not have any selfish desires. I wonder if life for such a person could ever be a happy ending..

Toodles.

Krabi Town/Koh Phi Phi (Day 1)

2010-08-12T21:38:00.003+08:00

For the sake of just saying, the trip was wonderful. The company (a.k.a boyfriend) was awesome, the country of choice was awesome and not to mention, the food was absolute love. We had more italian food than thai food, which is really ironic considering we were in Thailand. Honestly, half the time, I couldn't believe I was in Thailand.

How could somewhere that's known to me as an extremely polluted and underdeveloped country be so beautiful? Well, this place changed my mind. Singapore's modernity and cleanliness could not be compared to the small Krabi town's quaint rustic beauty at all.

I shouldn't bore you with words though. Words do no justice to the beauty that I experienced in the past 4 days. This post is the first installment of my travel diary to Krabi/Phi Phi.

Do note that we spent the first day in Krabi Town because it was too late to get a boat to Koh Phi Phi island.

And I shall now start the post proper with photos and such:

I met up with the boyfriend at about 12.30 since our flight was at 1.50pm. It was pretty awkward at the Airport since our parents met up with each other for the first time ever since we got together 5 years ago. But all went well and we soon checked in. We flew with Tiger Airways since it was the only flight that flew directly to Krabi.

A monster that we made out of Secret Recipe's sucky bread and okay-tasting Lasagna. Hehe, cute much? Our creativity is unbeatable!

We boarded the plane after awhile since it was pretty boring stoning in the budget terminal with practically nothing much to do.

And soon, we bade goodbye to Singapore. I think I've mentioned this before but flying is really therapeutic. It's like being amongst a million cotton candies. And it's just one of the most amazing feeling ever to look out of a plane and see your country slowly disappearing behind you. It's almost as if you're leaving behind all your problems and issues and nothing will matter much for that few days since you've left that country.

After awhile, we abandoned all tranquility and decided for some food and drinks. Since the drinks on Tiger Airways were pretty exorbitant (read: packet drinks for $3.50), we decided to settle for some Gin and sprite since alcoholic drinks were only selling at $6. The sprite was $3.50... So we spent almost $10 just on drinks alone. :/ We also decided on having some biscuits to munch on.

We got bored after awhile and decided to play Monopoly Deal. I won one round and the idiot won one.

After 1 hour and 45 minutes of flight time, we reached Krabi Airport. We met up with our driver who was going to drive us to our Hotel, Krabi Cozy place. And soon, we reached the hotel.

That's our Hotel room for you. My only complain is that the floor was extremely sticky for some weird reason. Other than that, for the mere price we were paying, the place was extremely lovely with great service and all.

And this was the view we got from the balcony attached to our room.

After settling down for awhile, we decided to explore Krabi Town further. We got lost for awhile... But we eventually found a small market filled to the brim with food. And what would two hungry tourists do?

We bought a large amount of food that left us bloated throughout the entire evening. Just look at the amount of food we brought back. A bag of salad that was about 60 Baht, a crab looking thing that was about 50 Baht, a bag of green curry for 10 Baht, a bag of rice for 5 Baht, a bag of cockles for 20 Baht, a stick of meatballs for 10 Baht (eaten), a cup of corn for 15 Baht and some grapefruit as well as durian that we left in the fridge that couldn't cost more than 70 Baht in total.

In conclusion, our entire meal cost us less than 15 singapore dollars and left us bloated beyond words. The food was great to say the least.

Throughout our meal, we were patriotic enough to be watching the live broadcast of the National Day Celebration from Singapore through Channel News Asia in Krabi. It was pretty cool. Hahahaha. It felt like we were there but not there. (:

After another short while, we decided to explore again. As usual we got lost again and ended up in a thai pub.

It was a nice place though we couldn't speak any Thai at all and had lots of difficulties ordering just some Heineken. However, despite our language gaps, the locals were extremely nice and polite to us which was really heart warming.

We left the place after an hour or so of waiting for the rain to wear itself off.

After that, we decided to walk back to the hotel. Near to our hotel is a restaurant called Viva, feeling hungry (AGAIN -___-), we decided to eat something over there.

This is Viva. The food here is awesome. We had a hawaiian pizza for about 200 Baht. The pizza is about the size of a large pizza hut pizza and yet only at a fraction of its price. It was the best pizza I've ever eaten in my life. The crust was thin, the toppings were more than sufficient and it was just mouthfuls of orgasm. And I'm not even exaggerating.

After our late supper, we finally decided to head back to our hotel and slept our first day away. All in all, we had a fulfilling and amazing first day in Krabi. And that was just one of the four amazing days we had there.

Toodles.

Phi Phi Island

2010-08-09T02:20:00.003+08:00

I will be off to Phi Phi Island for the next 4 days till 12th August. During this period, I may or may not blog depending on the availability of internet connection over there. Please contact me via email or facebook or if you absolutely must, message me on my phone. (Please don't do that unless you very urgent or be ready to pay my phone bill)

Hahaha. I am excited about this trip, but yet at the same time, I have a million forms of guilt weighing on me.

This is the last time I am going to be able to have fun in a long long time. Please let me have fun and enjoy myself. I will be back with pictures, lots and lots of them. I promise.

Toodles!

Myriad of Emotions

2010-08-08T01:12:00.002+08:00

It's been another few days since I abandoned this place. My heart is heavy, yet excited, yet confused. It's a myriad of emotions I can't seem to comprehend. Firstly, sorry Beth. I need to apologize to you because I feel like this is so much of my fault. I find myself pretty amusing. I know not to be so trusting, and yet I still got cheated. I find myself so stupid it drives me a little crazy.

Sigh.

That aside, I am leaving Singapore for a short getaway on Monday. As excited as I am to leave, I can't help but feel guilty about leaving before solving the problem.

Toodles.

Running Away

2010-08-03T13:23:00.004+08:00

(credits: decadent lifestyle)

I seem to like spending time alone a lot. It makes me think. And I think a lot because I am alone a lot. I realize as I look into the mirror these days, I no longer see myself. I no longer see the old me. It's lost, it's gone. I am not me anymore. I am different these days. I don't think the same way as I used to and I don't react to problems the same way I used to anymore too.

I no longer avoid. Because I now know that avoidance is not a strategy, it is an act of cowardice. I am not talking about the times where you cannot do anything but to avoid the issue and move on. There are instances like these. Instances like these happen a lot these days. You don't like someone, you don't like something... But you have no choice but to allow that to go on and just move on and stop thinking about it. It just happens, it's sad. Sometimes you hope for this, but you get that and you have no choice but to deal with it and like it too.

When I say avoid (when you have a choice), I mean crying and telling the whole world you don't want to face the issue when it's dangerously hanging in your face. That's an act of cowardice. That's an act of not wanting to face the truth. I don't like that. I don't like people like that. What's the point of avoiding when you know that one day, you will have to face it anyhow? It's stupid and by avoiding, the situation most probably will escalate into something that's impossible to solve anymore.

I am tired of people running away. I am tired of people's avoidance of me and the issues that are so blatantly hanging in their faces.

I am tired.

Toodles.

A mindless post

2010-08-01T21:51:00.002+08:00

I am getting sick of my routined life. I am getting sick of tuitions and schools and everything at all. I am sick of life staying so stagnant.

Sigh.

I am sick of life like this because I know what I want but I can't get it due to:

1) Lack of funds

2) Lack of everything else.

It's really the lack of funds actually. I need money. I need money. I need money.

Sorry for the mindless post,

Toodles.

Facebook Amusement

2010-07-31T13:25:00.003+08:00

Haha. There's a crazy stalker on facebook that's being very amusing. He claims to be in love with me and is crazy about me. He also wants me to be his girlfriend. I find this extremely amusing. This isn't the first time guys have sent me messages on Facebook to befriend me or tell me shit about themselves but this is by far the most persistent man ever.

Let's go through his Facebook messages to me.

1) No one calls me Vi unless he's really close to me. And no, you must be crazy... I have a boyfriend in my display picture already. Why the hell would I want to be your girlfriend??? Besides, I won't date someone who lacks a face.

2) How someone can go crazy about you without ever seeing you in real life is completely beyond me. If my previous rejection of you wasn't made clear enough, this should be clearer. I. Have. A. Fucking. Boyfriend. I don't need you. Kthxbye.

3) Some idiots just never give up do they? By this time, I've lost all interest to reply him already. What they hell is a closed friend? And what ideas? Sexual ideas is it???

4) Erm. No. I don't see how crazy you are about me because I don't even know you. And what I can see is that you are a crazy obsessive weird stalker.

Now you know what I mean about crazy stalker?

Toodles.

A structured mess.

2010-07-31T02:14:00.002+08:00

My brain's currently working at a rate that's faster than it's ever been. There's so much thoughts in my mind. I am going to try and translate them into words. It's hard you know. Although I think in English and speak in English, when you ask me translate my thoughts into words, much of it is lost.

Anyway, I digress. There's been a lot of thoughts stuck in my mind lately. I used to translate them better but lately it just gets stuck. I guess there's just a lot of negative thoughts that I think should stay in so that they don't hurt anyone.

Recently, I've came to realize that there's much to life than what I've previously thought it was. Normally I have a set plan. At 1PM I will eat lunch, at 5PM I will go for tuition and the likes of it. But recently I've realized that life should not be planned. It's tiring to plan because someone else will just spoil it. And life doesn't go according to plans. There are always cock ups and sometimes you can do nothing about these failure in plans. I mean it's not like you can always prevent it. Half the time, it's ... Unforeseen circumstances.

I wish I could speak my mind more often. But more often than not, I guess people wouldn't appreciate my thoughts.

I kind of like being alone. It's therapeutic. But liking to be alone does not equate to liking to be lonely. I've been feeling really lonely lately. It's the worst feeling ever. I don't feel like I have someone that I can relate to these days because everyone is just too busy. I am too. And it's bagging me down.

My life is finally slowing down... I cannot wait to be in Phi Phi. I cannot wait to actually leave this place for a short getaway to recharge myself before my internship which is heading my way way too soon.

I guess this has been a really wordy and broken post. My thoughts are all over. But this is exactly how I feel right now. A structured mess.

Toodles.

2010-07-29T03:06:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since my last entry. While I really wanted to blog the past few days, my mind blanked out as long as I reached this page. It's quite sad really. It's like wanting to tell an old friend about your life but blanking out as soon as you see her. Time has passed too quickly. I never realized that this blog has already celebrated its 5th year anniversary with me. Throughout this time, there were many changes to my life. And each time a major change was factored into my life, I would change something here.

I guess it's about time for that change in blog address and skin. I need the change. I no longer as motivated to blog or even visit this page as I used to in the past because it just doesn't really reflect me anymore.

But all's not final yet. I kind of love this blog address. But we'll see.

Till then.

Toodles.

Kallang Slashing Incident

2010-07-18T02:54:00.004+08:00

I must be the slowest person around but I only heard about the slashing incident at Kallang yesterday from a friend. And I only bothered to go research about the news 5 minutes ago.

If you, like me, have yet to hear about this slashing incident... You should read this:

http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_533889.html

I don't know how to feel after reading this. I don't how to react. I think I feel sad... But I feel anger too. There's so much feelings in me. I just can't put my head into it.

One person died and 3 others had their lives in danger. The culprits are set to be sentenced to death. But really, I never understood the death sentence.

What's the point of it anyway? So what if you kill the person who's killed another person? Will it bring back the life of the other person? Funny how they should think the death sentence is actually useful...

I don't see the point of a death sentence. Could you, by killing the culprits, bring back the life of that one man and the future of that 3 men?

Could you, by killing the culprits, bring back the past happy life for these 4 men?

Taking Ang Jun Heng, the 19 year old NSmen who was slashed as an example... Could you bring back his previous health? Could you bring back his normal life? Could you erase all these bad memories for him... just by killing those culprits?

My point is... As much as I think those culprits, better known as beasts, deserve to die, I think it's too easy for them. I think death is too easy for them.

Death of those beasts would not erase anything for the men who's been affected by their moment of stupidity and violence. Death of those beasts will not change anything at all.

In fact... Nothing will. Because life is fragile as such.

Toodles seem too happy for this post.

I shall end off with..

Bye.

Satisfaction

2010-07-18T02:22:00.003+08:00

I read my archives whenever I have nothing better to do. I cringe whenever I read them. My depression and lack of satisfaction was scary. But I suppose it's no difference now. I still feel depressed often... And I still lack satisfaction.

A friend asked me the other day "What is good life?". I gave her the most typical answer ever. "Having a warm family, a successful career and being able to holiday around" Well, something like that anyway. But as I replied her with that, my mind started racing. If that was my definition of a good life, I would never have one...

Why?

Because what's the definition of a warm family? One that's supportive? One that supports you with money? One that loves you with every beat of their hearts? What is it?

And what is a successful career? Being at the top of the corporate ladder? Trampling on everyone else? What is being successful?

Finally, what is being able to holiday around? How often would I like to holiday around? What countries would I go to? Why would I want to holiday around when I could probably spend more time being loved by my family and trampling people down my corporate ladder?

It just didn't make sense... It didn't make sense because I realize I'll never be satisfied with what I have. I'll probably always want more.

If my family loved me, I'd expect more from them. I'd expect them to provide me with more money, more love, more hugs, more kisses, more warmth. I'd ask for more.

If I was the CEO of a company, I'd want to be the CEO of more companies. I would want to trample more people under my feet. I'd want to be more successful than successful. I'd always want to be better.

If I was always holidaying around, I would just want to explore every single country I could, shop in every single possible place, visit all the villages in the world. But that's virtually impossible isn't it? I'd just always ask for more.

And this is because...

I've never felt satisfaction in my entire life before. I've never felt pleased with myself about something... To be truthful, I don't think I've ever felt true happiness before. Because being satisfied is being happy. And I've never reached that stage of my life before.

And to have a good life, I suppose I'll have to learn how to be satisfied.

I'll have to learn to be satisfied with what I have and what I can achieve. I should not try to over achieve...

But it kinda contradicts whatever I have learnt in life so far. To always strive for the best. But I realize... If you're always trying to be more perfect, then when will you learn how to be happy? When will you learn how to be satisfied with who you are and what you've done?

Toodles.

Do you know...

2010-07-12T00:46:00.002+08:00

A wise bird flew past me earlier. She whispered to me something unintelligible. I looked at the bird. She looked at me. We exchanged looks... And then I remembered... Birds cannot talk. This cannot be true. But the bird spoke again. This time I heard her. I heard her loud and clear. She told me...

It's time to forget. It's time to let go. It's time to untie those knots. It's time.

And I guess...

It is time.

Do you know that I feel the happiest when I am around you and the two girls?

Do you know that I've never forgotten the feeling of sitting under the void deck, watching 28s pass by and eating chocolates with you?

Do you know that my secondary school days were my happiest days?

Do you know that right before I fall asleep, I replay those days to make myself happy?

Do you know how much it hurts...?

Toodles.

Weight Issues

2010-07-11T13:11:00.002+08:00

The younger we were, the less conscious we were about our weight. Who really cares if you were fat... Heck. You were probably cuter when you were fatter.

But as we progressively grow old, weight becomes a large issue. You become wary of how people see you, how people would judge you if you just had that little stitch of fat in you. I, like many other girls in the world, struggle with my weight on a daily basis.

It scares me whenever I step on a weighing scale and realize my weight increased or is still constant. Each day, I look at food and tell myself I am not supposed to eat them because I should be losing weight. And society does not permit for me to stay the size I am. Each day, I get people telling me that my tummy is sticking out or that I am gaining weight. And frankly speaking, as carefree as I might sound about it, my weight bothers me... A whole fucking lot.

I have to say that I don't think I am exactly fat, fat. But it's the fats that's on me that bothers me. The fact that I have a tummy bothers me. The fact that I have slightly larger thighs bothers me. The fact that I have flabby arms bothers me. The fact that people look at me and see me as someone fatter than the average girl bothers me.

The fact that society cannot accept my weight bothers me.

But you know what, recently... I've started being less obsessed with my weight. Because, seriously... What is the fucking point of keeping yourself skinny when it probably means that you will have to give up most of your favorite food?

I honestly... Rather eat all I want during my lifetime than regret when I am old and about to die. I rather lead a short and unhealthy life than a long and exhausting life. I rather be fit than skinny and unhealthy.

Saying that though, I will still exercise. I will still eat healthily but I will not give up my favorite foods (Probably in moderation or something)... I will stop being so obsessed with my weight in kilograms. I will stop basing my self worth on the scale. I will stop letting my confidence level dip as I see skinny girls walk on the runway. I will stop wanting to be skinny... Because let's just face it, I will just want to be skinnier anyway. I will never be pleased with my size, so why try?

As a matter of fact, I don't see how being size 0 will make you the happiest girl on earth. You will probably want to become negative...

Toodles.

5.42AM

2010-07-08T05:30:00.002+08:00

Night times are pretty therapeutic. Especially nights when everyone else is asleep but you... It's kind of nice staying up just to do work on an empty stomach... It's kind of nice just looking at everyone sleep. It's kind of nice trying to wake everyone else up to no avail. I kind of like the solitude and the sounds of sleep. I kind of like listening to my keyboard chatter. I kind of like tonight. It's been a good day for me.

There's been a lot on my mind lately. My life's been pretty hectic too. So it's like both my mind and my life is working very quickly. And although, I am generally a pretty fast person... This is scaring me. I am tired of being fast. And my mind and life is working too quickly. It's almost like a clockwork. I almost never sleep. And when I do... It is just pretty repetitive.

Everything is.

I wake up, I go to school, I do a million hours of project, I go home, I do some more project, I go for tuition, I come home, I do a bit more project... I sleep.

But during this time... So much happens, so much is being discussed. It feels like there's almost no time at all for me to take a break and just rest my mind.

It's just so exhausting.

Toodles.

Why I love you:

2010-07-05T02:54:00.005+08:00

1) You make me smile when the skies are gray.

2) You took cutting out of my life.

3) You brighten up my days.

4) You make me the happiest girl on Earth.

5) You make plans with me.

6) You try to make me feel secured.

7) You are really cute.

8) You are a worry wart.

9) You are Mr. Sleepy.

10) You are Teo Gui Jie.

11) You are the most annoying boyfriend on Earth.

12) You make me want to scream at you at times.

13) You make me cry.

14) You make me turn into a worry wart.

15) You don't know why you love me.

16) You drive me crazy.

17) You are the most kiddish boyfriend on earth, ever.

18) You make me feel insecure.

19) You make me wait up for you at night.

20) You are Teo Gui Jie.

21) You are as ambitious as I am.

22) You are damn attractive when you are serious.

23) You are one of the most independent guys my age I know.

24) You are business minded and that makes me happy 'cuz I know I am too.

25) You understand me, at times.

26) This list could go on and on.

27) I think I am boring the rest of the world.

28) I shall spare the world from anymore random mushy ramblings.

29) You are the most perfectly imperfect boyfriend in my eyes.

30) You are Teo Gui Jie.

1) I want to spend the rest of my life with you, annoying the hell out of each other.

2) I want to make you happy.

3) I want to make you feel like the happiest boy on earth, the way you make me feel the happiest.

4) I need you to know that you are important to me.

5) I need you to know that no matter what happens, you still mean the world to me.

6) I need you to know that I don't think before I speak. My emotions control me.

7) I want you to know that without you, I won't be who I am today.

8) I want you to know that I really love you.

9) I want you to know that I'll accept you the way you are if you'll accept me the way I am.

10) I need you to know that I need you.

We are 2 months and 4 days away from half a decade. I can't call it long, but I definitely won't call it short. You've taught me a lot. I hope I've kinda taught you a thing or two as well. I am not sure if you read this. But if you do, I'm sorry I've been so much of a bitch to you these days. I was confused. But now, I am not. I know what I want. I know it's you.

Toodles.

A whale's heart beats only nine times per minute

2010-07-04T02:29:00.002+08:00

I wish mine did too. Do you think if a heart were to beat less, it will hurt less too? Do you think that when a heart beats less, you get less susceptible to hurt too? Because you concentrate so much on making your heart beat that nothing else in the world is strong enough to make you shift your attention enough to hurt? Am I making sense? Do I make sense anymore?

I don't blog enough these days. It's not like I don't have the time. I do. I just use them for other things now. Like staring into space and thinking about impractical things that I should not be thinking about or doing.

Lately, I've just have about the worst thoughts on my mind ever. It's so tiring to feel like this. But I feel like I don't have a choice anymore. And it's tiring not to have a choice. It's tiring to live the way I'm living. I need to change something. I know what it is. But yet I have got no idea how to change these things.

On a side note, Eclipse was horrible. I've watched plenty of movies in my life. But this is by far the worst movie I've ever watched... With weirdos sharing the same theatre going ooh and ahh over the actor's body.

I mean it was nicely shaped.... But honestly, I've seen better and hotter bodies. That was nothing.

And the movie itself? I honestly think that anyone who has yet to watch the movie should save the money and just not watch it at all. It's easier to just rent a porn flick and watch it because it was just all about making out and wanting sex and making out even more and cheesy romance scenes that didn't make much sense.

It's that bad.

And if you happen to be one of those crazy fangirls that goes gaga over the twilight saga, then really just go away. You don't deserve to be reading this because your intelligence level is probably somewhere near subzero. I don't like talking to stupid people.

Toodles.

Hectic

2010-06-27T13:52:00.002+08:00

Life of late has been pretty hectic. I spend all my life embracing projects, tutoring and playing with my sims 3. Hahaha. Yes, I am back to Sims 3. I love the feeling of gaining control over someone's life - even if they are not real. What if Sims 3 was really not a game but that we are all gods over someone's fate in someone else's life in some other realm through this game called sims 3?

Hahaha. My imagination is too fertile.

Toodles.

2010-06-21T08:27:00.002+08:00

I am determined to fulfill at least 5 out of the many new year resolutions I made at the start of this year. This shall be the year of changes.

Taken from New Year Resolutions (02/01/2010)

1. Visit Bangkok with... A lot of people!

~~2. Go overseas with the boyfriend alone.~~

~~Must be beach resort/themepark. Hahaha. I know. Two extreme ends. But that's us. We either seek solace in peace and tranquility or from the excitement of cheap thrills.~~

~~3. Go clubbing.~~

4. Try to hang out with boyfriend and his friends more often.

I very shy la, cannot is it? ): Although majority of boyfriend's friends are from Dunman, we were never close what. So now I shy... Not funny k!

~~5. Get over my fear of crowds/big groups.~~

6. Save up my first $5000.

I need to save up at least $5000 in my bank account in order to fulfill my business idea. So must save up my first $5000. Go rob bank also must.

7. Continue baking!

8. Do more housework.

9. Improve GPA to at least 3.55.

10. Lose 10kg.

Sounds impossible but I am going to do it with sheer determination. Watch me k? I CAN DO IT!!! *stares at guilty looking stomach because she just ate Macdonald's* I CAN DO IT!

~~11. Make new friends.~~

12. Get over everything that's bothering me now.

It's a new year. Nothing will bother me this year except my career and my studies.

13. Love the Earth.

Hahahaha. Omg. I've actually fulfilled 4 out of 12 resolutions already! This is an achievement. Now all I have to do is to fulfill one to two more. I am thinking the hanging out with boyfriend and his friends one, the lose 10kg one and the get 3.55 GPA one.

YOU CAN DO IT VILVIAN!

Me

2010-06-21T03:35:00.002+08:00

I am Vilvian.

I get crazy, I get out of my mind.

I get mad, very mad.

I hate crowds to a fault - but I am learning to like them.

I have the worst mood swings on earth. Sometimes I feel like I have split personalities.

I like the feeling of your skin against mine.

I like the fact that you care about me.

I hate how I am so fat.

I hate my fats.

I think my fats will take over my entire body one day.

I have insomnia.

I really really hate insomnia.

I get depressed easily.

I stalk people on facebook.

I stalk people on twitter.

I stalk people's blog.

I'm a stalker.

I get depressed too easily.

I get angry easily too.

I have zero patience and tolerance for stupidity.

I love kids.

I like the way your hand closes over mine.

I love my best friends.

I love my oreo sister.

I like the way my old secondary school was.

I dislike what dunman has become.

I love being random.

I love you.

Toodles.

Death.

2010-06-21T01:50:00.002+08:00

I've felt the strong urge to blog ever since I woke up this morning. There's just so much to talk about today, so much that inspires me. But now that I'm on this page, I realize there's so much to talk about that my mind blanks out.

You know... Life has always fascinated me. It's like we spend all our time trying to grow up, trying to earn money, slogging our hearts out, loving till our heart breaks... Only for this one ending - death.

I've never been too afraid of death. It's not scary. It's just morbid. And the only thing regrettable about death is that you have to leave everything behind you. You spend all your lives building everything around you and then when you die, you suddenly just have to leave everything behind you.

I mean... How the hell does that work? You spend all your lives building relationships, building empires, building business, building love, building a family even. And then you destroy them all by dying.

Kinda reminds me of all the building blocks that we used to play with. Spend half an hour nicely building it... And then spend a split second destroying the whole thing.

Why do we do it then? Why do we have to exist in the first place when 60, 70, 80, 90 years down the road... We still have to die? For the unlucky ones, they might die even before they get to enjoy the things that they've built.

Why is it that whatever created us in the first place was cruel enough to build us and then kill us altogether?

Why not just not create us in the first place?

...

Why create us and then dump us?

WHY?

This morbid post has served every purpose to kill my mood. Ha. Ha.

Toodles.

Regret

2010-06-19T02:50:00.005+08:00

Today's livejournal writer's block featured this question:

Which do you tend to regret more: things you wish you hadn't said or done or things you wish you had?

I thought this was a meaningful question and so I shall answer it here.

Whenever I do things (or not), I try to predict for any future regrets. If I think I might/will face any regrets in the future, I might most likely do it (or not do it depending on the scenario).

Many times, however... I still find myself regretting a lot. I regret about things I should have said or done, but never did. I regret about things I knew I should have bought, but never bought because I was too stingy with myself. I regret about the things I did, the things I say as well as the things I don't do or don't say.

I regret my impulsiveness as well as my lack of impulsiveness.

But I guess on the overall... I seem to regret my lack of impulsiveness more. You see... I am happiest when I am impulsive. I love the feeling of grabbing something off the shelf and buying it without having to look at the price tag. I love the feeling of hurting someone on impulse. I might feel bad... But on the overall, I feel pretty good. You see... I only hurt people who are mean to me. My words are hardly cutting to people I actually love.

But I do regret the words I accidentally say to the people I love when I am upset. I regret telling the boyfriend things that I think I should not have said. I regret telling my mother to not touch my stuff because I keep not being able to locate my items.

You see... Regret is a pretty complex term. It works both ways. It creeps onto you when you're being impulsive. Yet, it creeps onto yet again when you knew you could have done something about a situation, but did not do.

I realize I feel regret pretty often. I guess it's a feeling I need to get over. I read a quote once... Not sure where anymore. But I am pretty sure it said something about doing everything you want to do so as to avoid any regrets in the future.

I guess... On the overall... Being impulsive is still less regrettable than being non-impulsive. You can get rid of an impulsive purchase... But it is significantly less easy to want to buy something that is now out of stock because you were once non-impulsive.

I am not sure if what I say makes sense but right now... At 3AM, it's making a lot of sense to me. My answer to the question? I often regret about the things I do not say or do not do.

Toodles.

Rant #02

2010-06-18T03:40:00.002+08:00

It's almost 4am... And I can't get to sleep because my nose is running a marathon. It makes me feel so terrible. ): And I really, really need to get out of my house tomorrow to have some fun and quality time with the boyfriend because we haven't had that for far too long. It's like we don't have time for each other anymore... And I really want tomorrow to be different.

I don't want anymore Tampines trips because we're doing it far too often. I want to go somewhere far and relatively deserted with him. I want to go somewhere we've never went before together with him. Just tomorrow because I really need to break the monotony of life.

Life's been so monotonous lately. It's just wake up > stone > work/tuition > school work > talk to boyfriend/ best friends > stone some more > read tweets > sleep. Occasionally I meet up with the best friends and/or the boyfriend for our Tampines trips as usual.

The thing is... Monotony drives me crazy. It makes me feel dull and boring and sick of life. All I want is some spontaneity and something new.

It drives me crazy that Singapore is so small and all the nice places are so inaccessible. I need a fucking car so that I can actually get around Singapore with ease. ):

Toodles.

Rant

2010-06-17T14:30:00.003+08:00

It's been some time since I last blogged. Not that I don't want to blog anymore but I am honestly at a loss as to what I should blog about. My life has been nothing but work recently. I just finished working in the IT fair on Sunday, and I spent the past two days tutoring. At 3.30PM, I will be tutoring again. Not that I'm complaining... It's good money, really. And it's also a great sense of achievement every time my student improves.

But I'm falling sick. My nose is running and my throat is dry and painful.

I have projects to complete and more tuitions to go to. I don't have time to fall sick.

Oh and my mac is driving me crazy too. Everything is driving me crazy.

Toodles.

Help Needed

2010-06-13T09:34:00.002+08:00

Hi everyone,

If you are a law student or someone who knows the law well enough... Please tell me if telling someone "Please not be irresponsible" through the exchange of emails is enough to constitute as a defamatory remark?

Leave your email when you answer this question. I have questions to ask you.

♥

Toodles.

2010-06-09T00:11:00.001+08:00

I am tired, very tired.

Top 5 Most Awkward Situations:

2010-06-07T02:34:00.002+08:00

1. Being stuck in the lift with acquaintances.

They are acquaintances. This means you know them but you don't know them well. This also means that you'll have to make small talk with them. And I hate small talks. Small talks are so... Awkward.

2. Being stuck in the lift with people you don't like.

You already don't like them. They likely hate you too. But because you are stuck in the same lift, you will likely have to make small talk with them as well. It will be the worst small talk on earth because you already hate them. The hate is mutual. However, it is either ignoring each other (which is just as bad or even worse) or simply making that awkward small talk.

3. Going on board a bus only to see an acquaintance/people you don't like.

This has happened to me too many times. I hate it. I hate feeling obliged to talk to people I generally don't really want to associate myself with. It's a terrible feeling. It spoils my entire day because I'll be forced to say superficial things I don't really mean.

Like "Oh it's raining, it's going to be a beautiful day" when I really mean "Oh it's raining, you know why it's raining? It's raining because you are here and you are annoying the fuck out of me."

and

"Have a nice day!" when I really mean "You are going to have a nice day because you just gave me a terrible day"

Haha. Don't be offended seeing this. You might not be who I am talking about. But if you do have a strong guilty conscience nagging at your heart, it might just be you.

4. Seeing people you used to be close to, and waving to them... Only to have them ignore you.

Well, you know what. Fuck you. ): Why do you have to be so mean anyway? Whenever this happens, I will just make sure it looks like an attempt to scratch my head. Hahahahaha. After awhile, I stopped waving to people I used to know. Let them wave to me. And if they've ignored me before, guess what? I am just going to ignore them right back! Karma right back in your face you mean person!!

5. Being stuck in the lift alone with strangers talking to each other.

You're in the lift alone. A couple comes in. They start talking amongst themselves. They start groping each other even. You are left alone, defenseless. You don't even know if they realize you are here. They might have sex in the lift for all you know. Ahhh. I might have exaggerated that a little. But yes, I HATE being stuck in the lift alone with strangers talking to each other. It is so awkward because you just don't know where to place yourself. Certain days, I just want to butt into their conversations and answer their annoying questions to each other.

As you can see, most of the awkward situations occur in the lift. I hate the lift. I like to take the stairs whenever I can because I think the lift is one of the most awkward locations ever. I only like taking the lift with people I know and love.

Call me weird, I don't care. Is anyone with me on this one?

Toodles.

More to it than it seems.

2010-06-07T02:05:00.002+08:00

I have been pretty caught up with work these days. There's just so much to do but so little time given. There's a lizard on the ceiling and a sad show is playing on the television. I feel calm, but I feel this sickening sense of loneliness as well. It's kind of a very tiring feeling.

I've been feeling this sickening sense of loneliness since the start of this day.

I like life. But I hate life at the same time. Does that make sense?

The lizard is still making its way around the ceiling. It's pretty huge for a lizard. I just saw it sticking out its tongue.

Oh, the lizard is gone. I can't find it anymore. ):

Sigh. Looks like everyone leaves at some point in life.

Toodles.

It's possible to smile in darkness.

2010-06-03T02:33:00.006+08:00

I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I am not an awesome girlfriend. I throw tantrums, I whine like half my life away, I lose my temper at him everyday... But he's a wonderful boyfriend.

When I lost my wallet and was feeling extremely depressed, he went and got me chocolates from Jewels, a brand we both wanted to try. It was a surprise because I totally didn't expect him to buy it for me. He insisted on meeting me after his work the night after I lost my wallet and while I was feeling a bit suspicious... It didn't really hit me.

When I saw him waiting for me at the interchange with this bag, I felt so loved and cared for it was kind of wow. A wow feeling.

The chocolates look more amazing than this picture in real life. I am a terrible photographer who takes terrible pictures. But yeah, those chocolates resembled real jewels. It was so well crafted I still have 6 pieces left in the fridge that I cannot bear to eat. ):

By the way, I fell off a bus this morning. I was trying to chase after the bus in front but I ended up losing my footing and falling hard onto the hard cement ground instead. It was painful, to say the least.

This is the current plight of my right knee. It looks a lot worse in real life. My kneecap is entirely swollen and painful and it really hurts like a mother chicken burger.

The boyfriend did this for me though:

Hahaha, you can't really see how terrible the dressing of my wound looked like. But let's just say it was extremely attention seeking. I love that he dressed my wound for me though. It was such a sweet gesture, really. He was also worried for my survival for the next half of the day. Hahaha. He keeps nagging at me to take care now because I think he thinks that I will fall off a building next. :x.

But really, thank you... For being just the sweetest person on earth. Thank you for taking care of me. Words cannot express my gratitude and love for you.

Toodles.

2010-06-01T02:54:00.002+08:00

I cannot sleep. It sucks because I wish I could sleep. I think I will lie down a bit more and if I still cannot get to sleep, I am going to wake up at 5AM to do up my strategic marketing notes so I can sleep after my paper tomorrow.

I am this close to watching gossip girl, but I will resist because I have to. ):

Should I go make strawberry coffee for myself? I love strawberries. I think strawberries are the single most amazing fruit on earth. It's pretty orgasmic.

I am scared. What if I write like this for my paper tomorrow because I am too stoned and tired to think? But it's only a 1 hour paper right?

It shouldn't be too bad?? What is invigorating that is good for health?

Macdonald's breakfast?

Strawberry Coffee?

Sleep??? I need sleep. I hate insomnia. Fuck you insomnia. You suck.

Delirious with exhaustion but unable to get to sleep.

Toodles.

2010-06-01T02:16:00.004+08:00

Hi everyone,

It's now 2.16AM. I have a paper in less than 7 hours time. This means I have less than 5 hours of sleep left. I am tired, but not sleepy. Does that make sense?

I have a lot of thoughts on my mind that won't go away. A lot of puzzles I cannot seem to solve. A lot of lies I cannot get over. A lot of tears I wish would go away. A lot of people I want out of my life. A lot of jealousy, negativities and insecurities I wish could disappear. But life is as such. You can't want something and expect it to happen.

Like you can't want to be a millionaire and become one instantaneously. If life is as such, everyone would be a zillionaire and the value of money will drop drastically... Which is pointless.

Life is pointless. Certain times, I find life meaningless. You get given birth to, you grow up, you go to school, you work, you fall in love, you go through loads of shit in your life...

And then you die. And everything else goes to a waste. You could argue that your name might be left down the history... But how much would you have to do to have that happen?

And how much time would you have wasted by then?

Oh by the way. I now have 4 hours and 30 minutes of sleep left. Goodnight. Insomnia, please spare me.

Toodles.

Falling in love.

2010-05-30T00:14:00.002+08:00

I need to record this.

I went to Sony Style to wait for the boyfriend get off work earlier on. As I was walking to Sony Style, my heart was thumping and I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason as to why it was thumping. It was kind of scary because I could literally hear my heartbeat. And then I realized I was nervous. It's kind of ridiculous isn't it? Feeling nervous and jittery right before you meet your boyfriend?

Well, not so ridiculous for new loves. But for a relationship that's almost 5 years old? Very ridiculous.

I saw him from outside the store. I waved to him and signaled that I was going to wait for him outside the store. I didn't wait for him to signal back to me. I just walked away because all these time, my heart was thumping like a bitch. At that moment, it felt like my heart was literally about to jump out of my gullet.

I looked at my watch. Another 15 minutes till he gets off work. I decided to play with my Ipod. All this time, my heart was still thumping and believe it or not, my hands started shaking. I was VERY nervous. I had butterflies in my stomach. It felt as if I was going for an exam that I knew I couldn't pass.

Every time someone walked out of the store, I would look their direction and get disappointed because it wasn't him. I couldn't decide whether to stand facing the store or face my back against the store. I was trying my best to play cool, but failing immensely. I tried people watching, but for once, I couldn't concentrate on that.

And then, 15 minutes passed. He walked out of the store. I saw him and immediately walked towards him. All my nervousness faded into a smile.

The thing is I only last saw him yesterday. Is this normal? It doesn't feel like it is. But it is a magical feeling, like I am falling in love with him all over again.

Toodles.

A Terrible Day

2010-05-27T17:54:00.002+08:00

0745 - Wake up.

0830 - Finished washing up. Packing bag, ready to go out

0845 - At the lift (Shit, where's my wallet)

0846 - Back home. (Mummy, did you see my wallet? Can you get it for me?)

0846 - Mummy says no. I rush into the house.

0847 - Searched everywhere. No signs of wallet.

0855 - Fuck. Where the fuck is it?

0905 - Okay, my wallet is officially gone.

0935 - Reached school, 30 minutes late for lecture

1340 - OMG, WHERE IS THE EZLINK CARD MUMMY LENT ME?

1345 - Okay, my ezlink card is officially gone

1355 - ): Bitching to the girls.

1356 - FUCK. MY IPOD DROPPED.

1356 - Cracks on the bottom of my ipod, FML.

1500 - Reached Bus Interchange. No signs of wallet according to bus captains.

1545 - Reached Police Post. No signs of wallet either

1725 - Finally home...

Sigh.

It's a bad bad day. I really need my wallet back. I am practically an illegal immigrant now because my IC is gone and my Passport has expired. -_-

Sigh. And not to mention, the rest of my bus concession is gone for good too.

I really don't care about the money in the wallet. I can give anyone that sum. All I want and need now is the cards in there.

To replace my IC takes $100. To replace my Ez link Card takes $15. And... I need the money in my bank to do that. Guess where was my ATM card? In my wallet. To replace my ATM card requires the usage of my IC. -_-

FML.

Toodles.

This Evening

2010-05-25T01:28:00.002+08:00

I met up with two of the most important people in my life, my best friend and my boyfriend. I've known my best friend for about 7 years now and been together with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. It's nice that we're all still so close after so long. All these talks about years makes me feel so extremely old it's scary.

It doesn't feel like we've aged at all. We spent almost 2 hours laughing non-stop at our past and our present. It was a nice dinner, all in all. Good comfort food, good company, good jokes. And I'm glad, extremely glad that at the end of the day... No matter how bad my day gets, I still get my Oreo Sister and my loser boyfriend to laugh my day away with me. It's awesome, really. Just to have people like these in your life.

I honestly can't say how important these people are to me in my life. It's too much to be put into words. I love the two of them so much on different levels. And I am so glad that my boyfriend is a good friend of my best friend because it's totally not awkward at all when the three of us go out together. In fact, it's fun x 28962946293462942. Hehehe.

Thank you Nisa & Gui Jie for making my evening such a wonderful one.

Hehe.

♥♥

Toodles.

2010-05-24T18:16:00.005+08:00

Hi Everybody,

I am currently sitting in school, stoning while waiting for the boyfriend. It's getting pretty boring. A group of minahs are standing beside me making a lot of noise. Oh, I do hope they see this. I need them to shut up. I need to think. I want to punch the one minah who keeps clapping her hands and shouting random malay words that I don't understand. I don't care. Take your noise to somewhere further away if you have to make noise. I hate noise when I don't make it.

I hate minahs by the way. No offense to malays because I have no lack of malay friends but I honestly cannot stand minahs. (I have no minahs as friends anyway) What the hell is wrong with their brows anyway?? Who shaves their entire brows off only to apply a thin line of crayon that is a pathetic excuse for an eyebrow?? And a pink line is just not eyebrow material, sorry. If you really want a thin line of crayon as your eyebrow, at least use black or brown or something. Not pink, not green, not blue. Those are so wrong on 190390720947230 levels. I am sorry.

And why is it that their favorite past times seem to be hanging around at the void decks making a hell load of noise, being their own usual irritating selfs? Do they not have a life? Is it me or does their life revolves around making noise? That's pretty sad. No, make it very sad. No, make it extremely depressing. Yes, that's the term to describe their lives. Why make your life such a nuisance to the rest of the world????

I don't understand.

And don't get me started on their fashion sense. It's just wrong, very wrong. And I'll leave it at wrong. (wearing slippers with skinnies is just wrong, very wrong)

Hahaha. As you can see, yours truly is truly bored. I'll sign off now. By the way, the minahs left 5 minutes ago. Hahahaha. This post took me exactly 10 minutes to type.

Toodles.

(UPDATE: Now I have a group of Noisy AhBengs and AhLians beside me. Seriously, GIVE ME SOME PEACE ALREADY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!111!!! SHUT UP ALREADY. I NEED PEACE. WHERE IS MY BOYFRIEND?)

(UPDATE 2: WHILE TYPING UPDATE 1, MY BOYFRIEND CALLED ME AND HE'S COMING NOW. MY BEST FRIEND IS ALSO COMING TO MEET ME. K, I AM HAPPY NOW. SHUT UP EVERYBODY. I NEED PEACE. PEACE IS FUCKING UNDERRATED)

Now introducing.... My new eye candy.

2010-05-21T00:45:00.003+08:00

(credits: x)

I don't know what's her name... But I think she looks so perfectly sad it's amazing. There's something about her that makes me sad and scared and fragile. There's something her that enchants. There's something about the look in her eyes that makes me think about something so beautifully melancholic (if that makes any sense at all).

But she just looks so perfect it's amazing. She's now the wallpaper for my maccy and ipod.. Ah...

Such beauty...

Toodles.

Randoom room doom

2010-05-19T00:56:00.002+08:00

1) I think my right eye is infected. It is itching like a bitch now. Honestly, I don't really get the ___ like a bitch expression. You mean bitches hurt/itch/whatever???? (This is a rhetorical question, don't bother answering me)

2) I really really really really need a hug. ):

3) You are the biggest single piece of fucked up shit ever. I am going to make sure you get screwed over.

4) I miss being a secondary school student. Yes, I still do. ):

5) I miss being carefree.

Toodles.

Some nights...

2010-05-17T00:08:00.004+08:00

Some nights, I like to sit on my bed and just stare into space.

Some nights, I like to lie down and listen to music.

Some nights, I like to write about nothing in particular.

Some nights, I like to cry myself to sleep about nothing at all.

Some nights, I like to think myself as a lonely soul.

Tonight, I like to think I'll do all of the above.

Tonight I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. It's a little scary how this little brain of mine can hold so information. Sometimes, I think I could be a little insane. But I like that. I like to retain that bit of insanity in me. Because all the greatest people in the world are entirely bonkers. ;) (No prizes for guessing which movie that quote came from)

I am so inspired to write these days. I am writing something for the boyfriend that I'll never show him. But I like to write just the sake of writing. I like to think just for the sake of thinking. I never like doing things for the sake of other people or for other motives. I like doing things simply for the sake of doing things.

Does that make sense?

Toodles.

2.25Am

2010-05-15T02:25:00.002+08:00

It's now 2.25AM. I have plenty on my mind. Half of which will not make it to this blog. I should think I am a pretty lucky girl. I've been rich before, I've a nice boyfriend, I've an amazing family and I've had a lot of experience with life and its hypocrisy.

Speaking about life and its hypocrisy, I'm facing one of the largest idiot in the whole wide world now. I would like to talk about him here but unfortunately, right now I cannot because I'm sworn to secrecy. Hahaha. But in due time, I will speak about the loser and his disgusting acts here. It's an interesting story, that I can assure you. I've been pretty amused, intrigued and enraged by his stupidity and desperation thus far.

You know... If I could actually blog about half the things that happens in my daily life... I could possibly be an interesting blogger. Because my life is like a Channel 8 Drama serial only 10 times worst. I know I paint the nicest story about my life right here on my blog, but really... You only see about 1/10th of my life?

The only 9/10 is the ugliest truth you'll ever see about other human beings. And I'll get to those stories one day... I promise, I promise.

Toodles.

An Open Letter to Keyboard Warriors:

2010-05-13T02:42:00.003+08:00

I guess human beings are rather scary people. We judge so much it's scary. I always feel sad when I read certain blogs because the bloggers always seem to be flamed really really badly. I don't see why people go around saying mean things like "oh god, you are so fat.", "oh my fucking god, why are you so stupid?", "ahhahaha. you are an idiot because you have no school" Seriously? What has that got to do with you that pushes you to comment?

It makes the world seem like such an ugly place with retards like these. You know... As much as you dislike how your life sucks because you're probably nowhere as famous as those people, they have self esteems too. And how do you think your words sound to them? Awesome? No. It fucking hurts. And I know because I've been flamed before too. It sucks because after they retaliate, you people go all like "if you don't like to be commented, don't blog la."

-_- I don't see how blogging directly conflicts with being flamed and criticized. All I see is how people try so fucking hard to bring others down. I don't see how that benefits all you keyboard warriors at all. Because come on, you can criticize these people as much as you want... But as long as they continue blogging and not be affected by you and your nonsense, they will still probably be 1937402403983 times better off than you.

And even if they are really ugly... So what? They have the fame. And who are you? A keyboard warrior sitting behind your laptop/desktop typing furiously away on your keyboard. It sounds pretty sad really. I think you people need counseling... Seriously. You'll never come close to being famous because you're so pathetic.

And I'm sorry I made this post. I just get so annoyed by insensitive pricks that are constantly trying to bring down the self-esteems of others. You'll get your karma one day.

Toodles.

19th Birthday Celebration

2010-05-09T22:00:00.004+08:00

My 19th Birthday celebration was like a dream. The entire 31 hours of it felt like a dream, and I was the princess in that dream.

Everything was only made possible by the...

World's Greatest Boyfriend - Teo Gui Jie

I don't think I should document the whole process because it's pretty long and pretty uninteresting for the rest of the world. But just know that I enjoyed every second of the 31 hours we spent together. Thank you so much tgj. You've made me the happiest birthday girl ever... And it's not even my birthday yet.

Thank you for the surprises that were not really surprises because hahahaha, your clever girlfriend is too clever for surprises. Thank you for teaming up with my girlfriends to surprise me. Although I saw through your surprises, your efforts really really really were much appreciated.

Anyway, I lost my clubbing virginity on the 7th. It was fun but I was so high that I sort of, sort of lost my memory of that night. I don't have any pictures either because it's too troublesome to bring such a bulky thing everywhere I go. Someone ought to get me a smaller camera so that I can actually bring it around everywhere I go.

I am not going to post a lot of pictures because most of them are in Facebook already. You can see them if you add me. Just search Vilvian on Facebook and you'll find me.

Here are the pictures I edited and thought were memorable enough to post.

Here's introducing the nicest and most irritating boyfriend in the whole wide world.

Best Girlfriend 01~ ♥ She came to celebrate for me even though she had dance the next morning at 10am. And I think she's now my mum's best friend.

Best Girlfriend 02~ ♥ She came even though it was really late already. So sweet of my girlfriends to come despite what they have to do.

My birthday cake. (: Too chocolaty to finish but it was such a nice looking and tasty cake. (:

Meeeee. (:

The next day, after both the girlfriends left and after we checked out of Amara Sanctuary Hotel (Sentosa)... The boyfriend and I left for Universal Studios. It's one of the dreamiest experience I've had in the past 19 years of my life.

And here are some of the pictures we took at Universal Studios:

My happy boyfweennnz

The 2 of us~

My emperor Boyfriend. hehehe

His piratey girlfwennz

And finally, the two of us again.

♥

Thank you Teo Gui Jie, Nisa Jabbar & Charmaine Han for making my 19th Birthday celebration such a wonderful one~~

Toodles.

Days before my 19th

2010-05-06T23:25:00.002+08:00

Hi everybody.....................................................

It's now the 6th of May. 33 minutes later, it will be the 7th of May. I am typing this because THIS IS A CRISIS. I AM GROWING OLD TOO QUICKLY!!!111111 On the 10th of May, I would have turned 19. This is unacceptable. Where did my 18th go to? Where did the year that was supposedly my best go to??!!! WHERE HUH WHERE?

WHO ATE IT UP? WHO YOU TELL ME WHO!

WHO???!!!!

I just cannot believe I am turning 19 this quickly. How can a year pass by so quickly? How can a year fly by me without me even realizing?

How?

But anyway, this has certainly been a very very challenging year.

I've had really terrible days and really nice days and days that was so bad I wanted to commit suicide. Anyway, I think suicide should be considered vulgar. We use the word "suicide" so easily... Like it's the easiest thing to and the easiest thing to get over.

I share a love-hate relationship with the 18th year of my life. I can't call it bad but neither is it anywhere near awesome.

My favorite parts were:

1) Knowing Beth

2) Getting to know bestfriend more

3) Widening up my social circle

4) More jobs

5) Becoming more daring

My least favorite parts were:

1) Getting cheated.

2) Becoming even more depressed

3) Become even nearer to bankruptcy.

But I am sure I'll get over this phase.

I will be off for a short getaway with the boyfriend over the weekends.

Toodles.

Words

2010-05-04T20:07:00.002+08:00

I never really liked words. I never think words are sufficient for me to express my thoughts and feelings about things. I don't like words. I don't like words because what if sometimes words become too shallow to express your feelings. I don't like words... I don't like words because it's scary to have to express all your thoughts in that limited amount of words/letters. I don't like words because sometimes I think too fast to form words.

I don't like words. I don't like not being able to capture my thoughts in some way other than writing....

Toodles.

Today's Parents

2010-05-02T22:36:00.002+08:00

And today spells the end of my working stint at the Today's Parents Portraits Event. It was nothing short of a fulfilling experience for a kids' lover like me.

What I gained from this experience:

Friends. Not a lot of friends because a lot of them are not my kind of friends... But friends nevertheless. I've met many many nice people throughout the past 4 weeks, and it's a great experience despite the bitchiness I had to put up by many others.
Lots and lots of fun. The amount of kids I've met throughout the past 4 weeks was truly overwhelming. I picked up many and played around with them. Never have I felt more like a kid before.
Courage. Before this event, I'd never pick up a newborn child without trembling.... But after my 4 weeks at Today's Parents, I can no longer say that I'm afraid of picking up kids.
Acceptance. Perhaps it's quite pathetic to put it this way, but I truly only find acceptance when I'm amongst kids. The comfort I get from them is more immense than any sort of comfort I've gotten from anyone at all.
Something I want to do. I know after these 4 weeks, that I truly want to spend more time with children. This time, with the less fortunate. I'll be sourcing for children's home to volunteer in. So do let me know if you do find any children's home that requires weekend volunteers because that's the only time I'm free. ):

And so... This marks the end of my truly fulfilling 4 weeks. I'll have to find more things to do to fulfill my weekends.....

Toodles.

Ambiguous post

2010-04-29T00:27:00.003+08:00

Whenever the night draws close, it always dawns on me just how lonely I am. It's sad but I hardly have any friends at all. I hardly have anyone I can call a friend at all. It's tiring. I get surrounded by huge crowds of people all day... But out of all these people... who can I truthfully call as a friend? Who... do I actually know?

I am claustrophobic because crowds make me feel intensely lonely. It makes me feel like I am alone, which is probably true. But crowds amplify this kind of loneliness. It's a whole new feeling that makes me anxious. It makes me break out in cold sweat like the coward I am.

And I am a coward. I dare not do anything....

My mother is now crying in the next room.

I am heartbroken.

Toodles.

The Simple Pleasures in Life:

2010-04-25T00:25:00.002+08:00

This week I had some of the simplest yet happiest things happen to me.

Just to name a few...

1) Being able to work with really really adorable kids is just the most fortunate thing ever. Not many can get to do something they like and earn money for that at the same time. It might be an exhausting job but come on, any job that's not at least a little exhausting should never be called a job.

2) I had Chili Crabs with the boyfriend at Balestier yesterday for $20. :D Having a simple dinner with him is just the most fortunate thing ever.

3) I started crying because some things happened at home, again. And the boyfriend just held my hand throughout the entire journey home, comforting me silently.

4) Talking to my brother. We hardly have time to even talk, although we live under the same roof. ):

5) Realizing that I've found what I want.

Sometimes, we will never be able to realize our own strength until we have no more choice but to be strong...

And I know now, that I am strong. I will be strong. I will work for what I want. I will work for my goals.

Toodles.

A Rough RIde

2010-04-22T23:53:00.002+08:00

I've been busy. Well, at least I've been keeping myself busy. For the past few days, my life's been packed with tuition and more tuition. Tomorrow, I am going back to Today's Parents to slog my weekends away. And in my free time, I've been preparing for the launch of my own online shop and helping Beth out with hers. I've also been looking for electronics to sell with my father and the boyfriend.

On top of that, school has reopened.

These are all indications that I'm severely busy. Haha. And therefore, updates might be slow from now. But I'll try to update at least 4 times a week?

I want to pen my journey to becoming the boss of my own self here. I am sick of being a worker for someone else and letting that someone else earn the bigger share of the pie although I slog way more than he/she does. I am sick of earning a fixed pay. I will be my own boss for now.

It's not going to be an easy journey. So be with me, you all. It's going to be a rough ride filled with lots of Emotional Absurdities from here on.

Toodles.

Backkk~~~

2010-04-21T00:03:00.002+08:00

Hi Everybody, I am back. (:

I know it's been long....... And I know hardly anyone reads this space anymore. But that's what I was looking for. A fresh new start in the boring same old spot.

Hahaha.

Anyway, following this post will be my Genting post and my mexican food post. Lotsa pictures await you.

I have much to share.

Toodles!

Genting Trip 2010 (Part 2)

2010-04-21T00:00:00.011+08:00

Day 2 (March 3rd 2010)

A rare moment. Daylight!!

This was the ONLY day out of the 4 days we were there that we actually woke up in time for the free breakfast buffet. -_- The next 2 days... We woke up at an average of 11am-12pm? Hahaha. That resulted in us having to spend money for breakfast everyday after that. ):

Nice view from the lobby window. I miss those views. I miss feeling like the clouds were my friend. Haha. Queer way of thinking, but yeah.

In the lift, preparing to go eat our yummy breakfast. (:

The restaurant that was serving us breakfast. Haha. It tasted...

Not very fantastic. ): See how put off I looked. Hahaha.

My little cow that flew in all the way from Taiwan. Ha. Ha. I make Taiwan sound so far away and nice. But really, it's the start of all my nightmares. ): But those are stories for another day.

Anyway, little cow has now detached itself from my phone because he doesn't like me anymore. ):

People actually eat real food during breakfast buffets. I, on the other hand, spammed my plates with cherry tomatoes and mayonnaise. I think I might have eaten at least 50 cherry tomatoes that day. Someone tell me that's normal.

Orange for breakfast.... Hmmm. I've heard of orange juice for breakfast... I guess when I digest orange, it becomes orange juice too! ^^ Therefore, I was indirectly drinking Orange juice. Ha. Ha.

So how was the food at the breakfast buffet? Questionable at best. (Haha. Prays the boyfriend never sees this)

Where do we go next after a full breakfast???

The theme park of course! What better choice is there??

Hahaha. Hi Carousel! I like carousels. My wallpaper used to be a carousel until the boyfriend was asshole enough to change my wallpaper and I couldn't find it anymore. ): Now it's a picture of an emo pear.

My current wallpaper. Haha. The gray lines are my other windows. Sorry, I couldn't be bothered to minimize them. :/ See, the pear so emo right? But very cute uh. How to not want it???

Energizer, your best friend.

Us. I don't know where were we when we took this picture. Haha.

The fishies we spent almost half an hour feeding. We will get awesome karma for feeding fishes. (: Anyway, you should never feed fishes with your boyfriend because he will do stupid things like throwing all the fish food right at the spot of pond in front of you so that the fishes will flock towards you and result in you becoming wet. >:(

Why are boys so mean? ): I WAS WEARING JEANS HELLO?

Aww. Love birds. I saw them kissing. Hahaha.

Anyway, we spent the rest of our day at the Theme Park on roller-coasters and this water bump boat game. We were both wet all over after taking the ride. ): Not cool. Hahaha. But I had fun bumping everyone else. (: A lot of friendly people who liked to bump my boat.

We also rode on the Go Kart! I think I will make a fantastic driver. No accidents at all. (:

I think this was taken while we were queuing up for either the flying coaster or the Go Kart Game....

Let's fast forward the day...

ZAP!

This is now night time.

We went for night time bowling complete with neon lights and clubbing music. Hooray!

Boyfriend looking like a .... Single-legged monster ghost sorta creature.

Wheeee~~~~

By the way, an ant was just crawling on my arm. I swept it away. I think I might have killed it though. Sorry ant. ):

Hahaha. Can you spot the Single-legged monster ghost sorta creature?

Ooohh. Glow in the dark socks and shoes. HAHAH.

Seee. The place was so... Club-like. Although I've never entered a club before, I think this is how a club is supposed to look like? Except the club should not have bowling alleys.....Hmm.

Hahah. Uhmmmm....

I am just not a very good bowler okay!! Don't judge me!

And this... Was the end of Day 2. We spent the rest of the night at our favorite joint again...

The arcade. -_-

I don't have anymore pictures of the trip because after day 2, my camera refused to work itself anymore. Ha. Ha. But anyway, we had yummy dimsum for breakfast for the next two days and we went to the Stawbelly Farm on the 3rd day. It was fun.

I had lotsa strawberries to eat.

And ...

Note to self. Never wear shorts to a winter-themed place. My thighs felt like frozen chicken drumsticks.

And this...

Is the end of my shoddy Genting post.

Toodles!!

Procrastination

2010-04-15T00:52:00.002+08:00

Is probably one of the worst traits a person could ever possess. I think it's one of the traits that predominates me as a person too. I procrastinate in any situation you can possibly think of. I procrastinate when I really need to pee. I procrastinate when I really need to send out a resume to try and secure myself a proper internship. I procrastinate in blogging......

And yes, that's the point of this entry. I am sorry for being such a procrastinator. But I've been busy. ):

And I'll be back soon.

Like maybe tomorrow. I hope I get my new phone soon.

Loves you all.

Toodles.

Genting Trip 2010 (March 2nd - March 5th)

2010-04-07T00:12:00.015+08:00

It's been a month since my Genting trip with the boyfriend. So today, I will update this space with pictures of the trip! Which is good. Because I haven't had any private photos up here for a pretty long time. Anyway, here goes.

Day 1 (March 2nd 2010)

We arrived at Genting at about 2pm? I think Check-in was around 4pm though. So we stoned around and ate MerryBrown while waiting for time to pass~~

This is my boyfriend stealing my Pepsi. He looks very bored.

This is me. I look very bored too. I probably felt disturbingly bored because we could go nowhere since we had our luggage to tow around.

BY THE WAY, Speaking about luggage... I was unpleasantly surprised when we were collecting our luggage from the coach after arriving in Genting. When my bag came out, all I saw was a mob of ants coating it. Aaaaaaanddd, GUESS WHAT? MY BAG WAS THE ONLY BAG THAT WAS INFESTED WITH ANTS! Lucky or what? Instant turn off! ): I was so put off by the sight of the ants that I didn't even remember to take a picture of it. I can only remember the boyfriend and the coach driver trying their very best to sweep off the annoying bugs.

Needless to say, I spent the next two days feeling extremely itchy all over because I imagined ants crawling all around my clothes. Ugh. The thought of it disgusts me. ):

Nevertheless, that was definitely something new and different... Though I'd like very much for that to never happen again. ):

After MerryBrown, which tasted extremely average... We went to walk around some more and it was finally time for check in! I don't have any pictures of our bedroom but it was really small, cramped and not picture-worthy anyway!

After settling down, we decided to explore more of the place.

This is the boyfriend at our lift lobby.

This is the view from our lift lobby. I miss the view already. It always looked green and inviting. Not like in Singapore where you see Flats all over. Ugh.

This is him shoving money into my face for some reason. Most annoying boyfriend on Earth award goes to .... Mr. Teo Gui Jie.

Since we really didn't know what to do anymore for the rest of the day, we decided to explore out of Genting... So we decided to take the Cable Car!!!

Sounds Good? No. Bad Idea. I'll tell you why in a bit.

This is the waiting area for the Cable Car.

This is us looking very hyped up for the Cable Car trip not knowing what was about to befall us...........................................

This is us... On the trip... Still looking hyped.

Him. Very Happy hor.

Our View.

Hahaha. Actually... I exaggerated la. It wasn't exactly a terrible trip. It was just that after awhile, we got incredibly restless and bored because the trip took almost 25 minutes to complete! Imagine being on a cable car for 25 minutes. It was pretty scary because the capsule was extremely quiet since we were the only 2 on that particular capsule. But I guess it was a good experience all in all. Though a tad too long. The view got boring after awhile.

This is me looking very very bored and restless already.

This is us. Both looking very very bored and restless.

And.... It was finally time for us to alight. I actually have a video of us while we were in the capsule but I just watched it and I am frankly too embarrassed to upload it. :/

Back to where I was. Uhm, we actually took the cable car down because we wanted to go to the ~~stawbelly~~ Strawberry Farm but...

We couldn't find our way.

At all. We kept ending up at the 4th Level.

And so... We...

Took the bloody Cable Car back all the way to Genting again after 20 minutes of lurking around, trying to find Stawbelly farm (Inside Joke, sorry) to no avail.

But all's good because we found cheap and good Gui Ling Gao when we arrived back in Genting! I likeeeee!!

The shop.

Sugar Syrup Goodness. Yumz.

Our awesome Gui Ling Gao which was bought at an extremely cheap price. I can't remember how much exactly was it priced though. I just know that it was extremely cheap for this huge a serving.

Boyfriend happily eating up the Gui Ling Gao and not acknowledging my picture taking session of him.

Later on, we went to.... The place we frequented the most often during our 4 days in Genting.

The... Arcade. -_-

Mr. Manatee playing some driving game which he didn't win. (I think.) Heheh.

People play driving, I play camwhore. Ugly camwhore. ):

And then... It was dinner time. What better dinner than....

JAPANESE CUISINE??!

Honestly, I don't think anyone can ever get sick of raw fish and Japanese goodness. I know I won't. Okay, anyway, we settled ~~our~~ MY Japanese craving at Sushi King. Which was extremely affordable considering the quality of their food. Which was way way way wayyyy better and still cheaper than Sakae Sushi. Sakae Sushi is a bloody rip off for its terrible quality. Ugh. NEVER. NEVER. Eat Sakae Sushi. NEVER.

My boyfriend looking very lovingly at his wasabi.

Green Tea. I made the mistake of ordering Cold Green Tea. It tasted blander than plain water. Ugh.

Udon. Wasn't too fantastic. But the entire set meal only cost us about less than 8SGD. Which is cheap.

Tempura. I think it came with my sashimi set. Which was about less than 10 SGD?

My sashimi set. Came complete with many slices of Raw Salmon goodness, rice, Chawanmushi, Tempura and a thoughtful bottle of Yakult. Very cheap for the amount of items that were served to me.

I am a fat girl because I finished my food. *burps*

Boyfriend. Not looking happy because his tray was considerably less crowded than mine was. Hehe.

After that, we went back to our hotel room and slacked till about 12am when we decided to explore out of the room again!

Random photo of a Seahorse ornament seating in the middle of a fountain area.

Baskin Robins at 12.44am (According to the time recorded in my Camera). No wonder I grew considerably fatter after the trip.

Boyfriend loves Ice Cweam more than me. ): Sad Vilvian.

And another random photo of a window.

...

After which we closed the windows of our souls (called our eyes) for the day and awaited for the beginning of a new day (called tomorrow).

k, sorry. Brain no longer working.

I wanted to squeeze all 4 days into 1 post but day 1 took so long to finish. So I've decided to end the post here and I'll update this space again tomorrow!!

Okay,

Toodles!!

The Windows to your Soul

2010-04-04T00:57:00.006+08:00

Your eye. This is probably the most important anatomy in anyone's face or body for that matter. I like to maintain eye contact with people. It allows me to look through that person. I always judge a person's character through his/her eyes. There are fleeting eyes and then there are the strong and ambitious ones. The fleeting ones are normally people who never are able to make it big in life. I don't make friends with these people. I like to stay far far away from them. They are never up to any good at all.

The ones with the strong and ambitious eyes are well, strong and ambitious. I like these people. Like I was telling the boyfriend earlier, I like him because well... His eyes are as strong and ambitious as mine is. In his eyes, I see him thinking a lot. I see him as a deep thinker. And this is why I like him. This is why he's one of the most important people in my life. I hardly see people who think as much as he does. And I like that....

Okay, anyway... Moving on. I think people with attractive-looking eyes are probably the most... attractive. (pardon my lack of better vocabulary. I haven't been writing a lot.)

One of my favorite girls... has the best pair of eyes I've ever seen.

This is Nicole Fox. The winner of America's Next Top Model Cycle 13. I honestly am very very attracted to her because of her piercing eyes and also because of the way her mind works. I love her quirkiness. And I'll totally date her if I was in America and was a lesbian. She's so amazing. :3 Sorry, female crush moment.

Some of the people I am most attracted to in life has awesome eyes. But I can't find flattering pictures of these people. So I am going to randomly paste pictures of people with nice eyes here.

Hottest man in history. Chuck Bass of Gossip Girls. He has undoubtedly one of the best eyes in the entire world. Piercing, ambitious and full of secrets. It melts me.

And his eyes are just extremely piercing and attractive. (: I love Gossip Girls. It makes me happy. I get to see hot people.

Okay. I am sorry for such a shallow post. I am going to go back now and see if I have better inspiration for better blog entries.

Toodles.

Day 9 (I think?)

2010-03-31T05:28:00.002+08:00

Of not being able to sleep properly. Honestly, I have so much going on in my mind that I feel a little deranged these days. I have to settle some debts that is driving me insane because it's practically impossible with my current financial status. And there's all these news that are not at all good news. I feel like all these is taking a toll on my health. I've frequents backaches and random almost black-out sessions... It's not feeling very good.

So I'll just have to pray that things really improve tomorrow. I just need to pay that debt and get that person off my back. Maybe then, I won't be stressing out every fucking day on how to repay a debt.

That aside, I suppose I shall blog.

You know. I always found Singapore's democracy to be nothing but a joke. Is democracy not meant to be equality? If it is, then why do I find so many of Singapore's happenings to be terribly unequal and unfair? It's like only the government gets the say, Singaporeans' themselves? Nah. We don't have a voice.

Whatever we say, the government counters. One of the best examples yet is how the Polytechnic bus fares are still more expensive than that of JC and ITE students. I do not understand how that works. And if you say that it's not the government that makes the decision (but the company), then let me tell you... That's bullshit! Come on. This is Singapore, where the government controls basically every single little fucking thing. (like eating chewing gum. -_-)

I don't understand our difference from that of JC and ITE students because we are all basically given the same workload. Has nobody from SBS or the government entered a Polytechnic before? Has no one noticed exactly how hard a Polytechnic student has to work? How is that different from being a student in the JC or the ITE? We are all students, we all have to work hard and we all study. That's all. There's no difference.

But yet, I see things like this on a published budget speech and feel immediately disappointed by Singapore.

Mdm Cynthia Phua and some Members have asked that polytechnic students’ concession
fares be lowered. The operators decide on concessions. However, I would encourage them to see how best they can help in these difficult times. As for the Government, our approach has always
been to provide targeted help to those most in need. Polytechnic students are a large and diverse group – there are students from wealthy families, and students from less well-off families. We should not ask taxpayers to subsidise the fares of polytechnic students who can well afford it...."

I mean are they serious about how polytechnic students are a large and diverse group and henceforth, are not allowed to pay a lower fare? That is flawed logic on many many levels.

If I remember correctly, there were so many students back when in secondary school that was either rich or extremely poor. Is that not diverse? If that was diverse, then why is it that Secondary students deserve to pay student fare? And if I am not mistaken, JC students (as well) are pretty diverse. There are rich ones and there are poor ones. There are students who work and there are students who don't work. AND THEY DESERVE STUDENT FARE! How is that fair? How is that anywhere near democratic or equality... As Singapore proudly proclaims of itself to be.

I, on average, spend about $20-$30 on travel fare each WEEK. And you can see that I am not extremely well-off. So why is it that the tax that I pay do not subsidize the travel fare that I have to pay for? It's not like we don't have to pay taxes as students. We pay tax too (in the form of GST) but it's tax nevertheless. If we are taxpayers as well, I am pretty sure we should be given a right to talk about where we want those money to go to. And who we actually want to subsidize...

And Singapore, as a democratic society, should respect that. No?

I rest my case.

Toodles.

How to Train A Dragon.

2010-03-30T02:49:00.007+08:00

I watched "How to Train a Dragon" this evening with the boyfriend. I don't know if it did this to anyone, but the show inspired me somehow. And that's pretty tough because I'm hard to inspire. It's amusing to think that an animated film could inspire me this much.

I was touched by the dragon's fierce loyalty towards Hiccup (The young viking). I wish I had someone or something who was this fiercely loyal towards me. I am scared that I will die someday without anyone fighting for me. It's... A scary thought.

I was also very inspired by how the show portrayed the fact that violence only promotes more violence. It's not like in Math you know. It's not like negative + negative = Positive. In real life, it's more than that. Sometimes you need to use your brains and not your muscles to do the job.

I also was inspired by how seemingly weak Hiccup was to everyone else... But in actual fact, had a really strong personality and persevered even though everyone was hating on him. This was the most inspiring part of the movie for me. Recently, as you all know now, everything has been going wrong for me. And I know I've felt VERY suicidal in many parts of my life so this was something I had to learn. That no matter how hard things get, you should always persevere. Because you're meant to do something much much more than this.

(Hi Beth, I know life has been pretty hard for you lately as well so this is for you too. Be strong. You are meant for a greater purpose in life. Get over all these now and stay strong. Don't give up.)

I also liked a quote from the movie which is commonly used in the real world. "Don't try to be anyone else" (I think this is what they said in the movie? But I cannot remember so it's the gist of it anyway) I think it's so important for people to let their own personality shine through and not allow other people to influence you to be what you were not meant to be. I think everyone has their own purpose in life and it's just not right to steal someone else's purpose. Right?

Anyway, all that inspiration aside...

I really think that everyone should watch this movie. It's actually suitable for anyone of any ages. And it's a really great movie so I think it's going to be one of my all-time favorite movies!

I really loved the show.

Hehe.

Toodles.

2010-03-29T02:12:00.003+08:00

Okay, so.... After I made that entry, my life miraculously became better. I guess it's better because I've learned to take things in stride and seriously, like everyone else say... What can I do? And then, I have these really amazing friends who are just... Amazing. I love them so much.

I have Qi Rong who wants to give me an Ipod Touch she found even though she can actually sell it and make a profit. But she wants to give it to me... And that makes me really really really touched.

I have the boyfriend who went all the way to Keppel Bay with me yesterday only to find that Canon (where I was going to) was not opened. -_-

I have the bestfriend who spent the most amazing time with me and the boyfriend on Friday night. It was seriously just amazing. It felt like we were back in the past again. Like we were back in our high school days.

I have the male bestfriend who's seriously just the sweetest guy I know. He was so comforting that I think I shed a little happy tears.

I have Beth who left an extremely sweet comment on my previous entry that I've yet to reply to because I wasn't feeling well enough reply the past 2 days.

I have the other bestfriend (i know! enough of bestfriends already) who just came back from Japan and called me a few hours later to offer me advice on insomnia. (((:

---

Really, my friends make everything less painful and they are honestly just the painkillers in my life. I don't know what to do without anyone of you and I love all of you a lot.

So just,

Thank you for being here.

Toodles.

My Life Story.

2010-03-26T01:43:00.006+08:00

It seems... The more you grow up, the more you realize that people are going to drift apart from you. Whether you like it or not. You could make every single bit of effort that you can ever muster, but it might still not work. If someone doesn't want to contact you anymore, he or she will leave your life and never return. And you can't help it, even if you wish you could.

Anyway, I don't know. I feel like since this is my blog, I should be allowed to blog out all my frustrations right? So people who call me angsty can stop doing it once and for all?

Okay. Let's start.

I am only this sad and exhausted with life all the time because I have to worry about money constantly. Every single fucking day, as soon as I wake up... I check websites for jobs and tuition opportunities. Almost everyday, I'd send out a job application letter. And mind you, I honestly don't care for working.

I have to because my family is in a terrible shape right now. And if I don't earn my own keep, this family will eventually collapse. It kills me to have to abandon every bit of my spoilt character to go out and serve other people in the industry. But what can I do? Bite my tongue and continue working.

I've had to abandon several dreams for this family already and subconsciously, it's really really killing me. I love this family, too much maybe.

I don't pity myself anymore but just imagine having all these happen to you when you were only 13-14. And then all these shit carried on all the way till present. And it's not about to go away. So tell me, how do you be happy this way? How do you not feel jaded about life? I know I haven't done anything that's terribly heinous so far, so why do I deserve this?

How would you feel if all the items that you want eventually go out of stock not because you are slow but rather because you don't have the ability to purchase them? I am only 19. I want to be materialistic too. I want to be able to buy everything I want without having to worry about debts and such. Why can't I do so?

I am tired. Really, I am. But what can I do except to accept reality and continue trudging through this mess?

I can only thank the people who's been around for being here. I love you guys.

I am thankful that because of this ordeal, I am able to tell what's true from what's fake. I am also thankful because I know that if I can trudge through this mess, nothing in life is going to scare me anymore.

I am going to personally, scare the living hell out of those people who's let me and my family down in this lifetime. I am going to give them hell for having to give my family so many years of pain. How would you feel if the furthest country your own brother has ever went to is Genting because you or your parents didn't have the ability to bring him out anywhere else?

Thank you, you heartless losers. Because you've taught me how to be stronger and more ruthless in life. I will bring my brother to MANY other countries some day with my own ability and my own strength. Watch me.

Toodles.

Therapeutic Night

2010-03-25T06:10:00.004+08:00

It's now 6:11AM. My brother is about to wake up to get ready for school. I've... Not slept yet. -_- But it's been a really therapeutic night that made up for my horrible week. I did some of my favorite things like:

1) Crying.

Honestly, I don't see what's so bad about crying. I like crying when I am sad because it releases all the pent-up emotions I have in me. I don't believe in holding back my tears because it makes me a million times sadder than if I were to cry it out. So, stop scolding me for crying already. I don't see why it's bad when it makes me feel much much better.

2) Drawing

Today I drew a blazer that I want. That made up for every single depressing thing that happened to me in the course of yesterday. I never used to like drawing/designing because I failed art my entire secondary school life. But now I find it strangely, really therapeutic.

3) Poker

Haha. I don't usually like gambling but I really love playing Poker. Granted, I do it online without the usage of real money. So that's not really called gambling is it? I just really love battling my wits against other people and winning them. It makes me feel 3274092740293 times better about myself. And today I won 80k. So that made me happy. (I lost 50k afterwards. LOLOL)

So it's been a really really really therapeutic night...

Toodles.

The world is a tiring place...

2010-03-25T00:23:00.003+08:00

It is.

I wake up everyday feeling like I should fulfill someone else's expectations of me. I wake up everyday feeling like I have to fulfill my social obligations. I wake up everyday feeling like I owe everyone in the world. And... It's an exhausting feeling because when does it come to myself? When do I get to fulfill my own dreams?

I understand this concept now.

Don't tell me shit like if you want to do it, just go do it. Because if only it was that simple, I'd do it. There's too many people to consider, too much things to do... And so much things you cannot say.

It's so tiring to have to abandon yet another dream because of the obligations that you have to fulfill.

Perhaps this is why a dream is called a dream? Because a dream is but a dream that will not come true...

I tell everyone that it's okay. But honestly, it is less than okay. I hate abandoning dreams. Too bad life isn't all about being given a choice.

And no, I am not being angsty. Just really... really tired and helpless. So spare me from the lecture, please.

Toodles.

The Zoo

2010-03-23T23:19:00.005+08:00

I went to the Zoo with the boyfriend earlier on and while we didn't have a camera, I'd say we had quite a great time together. We made fun of every single animal possible. Since I don't have any pictures at hand (since my camera is still stuck with Canon), I am just going to take random pictures of the net and talk about them.

(credits: x)

We first met the Proboscis monkey. Honestly, I thought this was one of the most distracting animal I've ever met. I couldn't concentrate on anything other than his flabby nose. (and the boyfriend was very amused by his red and tiny sexual organ... What is it with guys and their obsession for sexual organs?) Naturally, we spent quite a bit of time over here getting amused by their huge noses and ... sexual organs.

.... We moved on after awhile and while we met a few other animals, I thought the next interesting one has got to be the baboon.

(credit: x)

How could anyone ever, ever miss the baboon? I'd be pretty upset if I was a baboon though... I don't think I could ever take anyone else seriously. I'd just laugh at them because their asses are just so... distracting and amusing to look at. I saw an adult baboon trying to have sex with a baby baboon?? Does incest exist in the animal kingdom as well? That was pretty disturbing to look at though. As usual, the boyfriend amused himself with the baboon's sexual organs. Hahahaha.

Later on... We met the Orangutans.

(credits: x)

The Orangutans looked really really really bored for some reason. They were all sleeping and hanging off their respective branches. Looking at them made me realize just how much we, as human beings exhaust ourselves. Life could be simple. Life could be easy. But we just take things too hard... And it makes us more exhausted than we should have been.

... If you've realized that all I've posted so far are different species of monkeys, you're absolutely right. Today's the monkey post. Tomorrow I will do a post of my favorite animals. The ones that really made my day.

I've a final encounter with a monkey that I'd like to share though. I can't really remember its species so I can't post a picture but just know that it was really really adorable.

So the story goes this way... The boyfriend saw this really adorable monkey and started teasing it. Wanting it to jump into his arms. I don't think the monkey dared to do that though. He looked really scared. But he was staring right at us, he knew that we were "talking" to him. And then, while we were about to go...

He kept trying to peek his head over the pole that was blocking him from us. It was such a cute thing to do and it happened 4 times! I think he really liked the boyfriend. Does that make my boyfriend a monkey? I think it does.

Hehe.

Okay.

I shall now end my Monkey post.

Toodles.

Nothing becomes better

2010-03-23T08:18:00.002+08:00

You know... I really hate it when people tell me that things will get better for me soon. I think it's the most hypocritical thing you can ever say to a sad person. Granted, I've used it before. And I always feel like the biggest hypocrite each time I say such a thing.

Seriously speaking... Nothing gets better. It will never get better because come on, let's face it. If it's supposed to get better, it would have gotten better a few years back right? It's now my 4th or 5th year into facing all the financial shit and nothing's gotten better. Nothing at all. If anything, I think it's only getting worse. So how is anything going to get better at all if it's only getting worse?

I don't understand... And this is the only reason why I stopped confiding in most people. They all tell me "things will get better". It doesn't. So what do I do now?

Toodles.

Sharleen turns 19!

2010-03-22T00:37:00.003+08:00

Hello everybody. Today I introduce to you one of the most irritating bimbo of all time, Sharleen Chiu.

She's the biggest neh neh and bimbo on Earth but I love her a lot. Because this is already my 5th Birthday Greeting to her today, I am going to keep this short but it'll mean a lot to me if you comment and wish her happy birthday.

So please do it okay?

Hehe.

Toodles.